Tape won’t hold together cracks for too long 

It’s been a challenging few months in various aspects for me but I’ve been holding steady. It’s weird though; I’ve been in a mindset for the past few weeks to basically push everything aside and focus on my creativity. I’m still kinda there, but not. I have my moments where I feel so overwhelmed and needy, but I’ve found my footing and reigned it in and basically pushed it all down. 

This past weekend was a quad weekend, but it also kind of wasn’t. We were all together but my other best friend, her husband, and their daughter were also there, so we didn’t get the same swapped alone time that we usually do even when my kids are there with us. It was the first time in about 2 years that Bob and I didn’t get to do our D/s greeting ritual 😔  i honestly wouldn’t have changed the weekend if I could, but it was just so odd and unusual that I don’t think I really escaped the mindset I’ve been in, even with the extra day together. I’m not sure what to think of it, but honestly patience is still what’s needed the most, so I’m not putting a lot of thought into it right now.

It’s where the “I don’t give a shit” attitude I’ve had for quite a while now just doesn’t help. That and when I get home from work, I’m totally thinking “fuck it” to pretty much everything.

I’m not feeling submissive these days. I recognized my yearning for a sound beating back a month or two ago, but that’s almost gone dormant. I know it’s there, but I just feel like I’m on autopilot through pretty well everything lately. I don’t feel much, I don’t engage, I just exist… I hate it, but don’t know how to find my way out of it without cracking somewhere. 

Trying to figure my shit out

I’ve been so down on myself about my weight recently, but also have been having such a hard time keeping balanced overall. I don’t get stressed easily, but I’ve realized that I’ve fallen back to some old coping strategies (namely food) and added others (namely wine), plus jumped into my creativity, to help balance. 

What stress?

My kitten got neutered today. Thankfully, he’s been doing well though. A little slower than his usual self,  but he’s been playful enough to know he’ll be fine. 

Gun and I have been okay, he’s had a somewhat better time at work since he’s been so busy.  It’s good for him, but he’s exhausted at the end of the day, so crashes when we get to bed…quality time has been something we’re trying to fit it in, but it hasn’t been easy. 

Bob/Sir has been awesome but our time is so few and far between since March that I’ve been missing him, our connection, and getting a sound fucking beating for a while now. I’m missing it so much that I’m beyond aching. That side of me is somewhat numb actually. The fact we won’t be able to connect like that until August doesn’t help. It’s like a side of me that’s come to represent so much of my being has gone dormant. I’ve been communicating this with Bob and he’s been great with understanding and doing what he can. The thing is, at a distance there’s only so much anyone can do (have I said before how I really don’t understand online-only relationships?!? To each their own, but in-person connection is imperative for me), but we try.

Erik has just come off a super busy month and a half for himself work wise, just to jump into his wife Mia up for a local council chair which has him running all over the place constantly. We got to spend a few hours together last Saturday which was fantastic. I keep hearing that this summer will be different than last, but honestly the side of myself that’s gone into protective mode since then is really cautious.

Work still sucks ass and has me frustrated, and no calls or emails on jobs at all. 

Needless to say, I’ve been hyper focused on my creative outlets (jewelry making – chainmaille and now wire wrapping too) and churning out products like crazy. I totally LOVE it and would love to do that full time, or even part time with a nominal part time job. Almost anywhere out of where I am. 

Anyway…I’ve been trying…ish. 

The Kind of Partner I Need – The Kind of Partner I Need to Be (shared with permission of the author)

I read the following writing on Fetlife by the awesome kinkibella, and she touched on so many points and thoughts I’ve had myself in my polyamorous adventure that I wanted to share it.  She graciously is letting me share this here 🙂

If you have Fetlife, please check out the original post and give it some love ❤ 

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Life, the universe, and everything

Here I sit, with a couple of hours left being 41, thinking of the past year in my life. 

It started off amazing on so many levels. Health, love, a couple of proposals of sorts, and fun. Unfortunately a few things started to skew within a few months. On the good side, I accepted a collar, went camping, made new friends, and nurtured some loves. On the bad side, a part of a relationship was dropped without discussion and the subsequent silence confused me greatly. 

I’m also at war internally. I’ve let myself fall back into some old unhealthy habits and over the past couple of years have regained most of the 75lbs I worked so hard to lose. That in itself has been a not-good mind fuck on me. Add in feeling not good enough in so many regards, it compounded…even with the good I have in my life, I’m still quite unbalanced, though I’m recognizing it and am trying to fight for myself. 

What will age 42 bring me? The top of my list of requests is a new job. I know that’s an underlying shit storm and that string is about to break after so many years of  being truly unappreciated. 

Beyond that…I dunno. I’ve learned so much about myself as a submissive over the past 12 months (that’s the side of me I really didn’t know before), that in ways I feel like a different person. I know what I need to thrive better, and that it isn’t an easy side of myself. She’s needy, and those who really want to embrace her can’t take her lightly. 

Will this year be the answer to things for me? Only time will tell… 

Career life musings during the few last days of being 41…

‪If I were to have my dream job, it’d be something creative. Chainmaille/jewelry making and/or the window painting I love to do would be the ultimate. How can I do these as a full time job? How can I get there? I *hate* sales; I seriously suck at it.‬ custom made service is easy; I’m polite and hate to put anyone out. Actually going out of my and asking them to buy stuff?  Yeah no, not me. I tried it with Tupperware after my oldest was born, but I lasted as long as my Aunt’s had shoes for me. 

‪As I sit here at my “for a living” job, I know I need more. I’ve had various administration jobs for the past 21(eek!!!) years. I really I don’t mind the work, but who you work for means a lot in this type of position. My boss is a tool. A selfish witch who truly doesn’t appreciate what I do for her. I need out of here, but I don’t know where to go. Admin jobs like this are in high competition in the area I live, and I’d rather not commute for 1++ hours if I really don’t have to. I’m trying. I’m applying for various jobs I see or get sent (as everyone I care for knows I’m fed up and am looking.)

I’ve been doing some soul searching of various sorts lately, and the job front has been a biggie…

*sigh* 😔

Overlooked for so long

When your eyes gaze into mine, I can tell that you truly see me. Your love and acceptance helps wipe away decades of being overlooked.

And I was overlooked.  I don’t think anyone actually saw me while I was in high school or even middle school, but that was kind of the way I wanted it.  Or it was at least the way I thought I wanted it.  I was independent and was content on my own.  I liked my own company, I had my cat, my creative outlets, and I was fine wrapped up in my shell.  Looking back I so desperately wanted attention, to be seen and loved.  Though it’s not like my home life sucked, it was fine.  My parents were great and I was able to do pretty much whatever I wanted.  I was a shy only child who had no confidence in herself, and disliked talking on the phone (I still don’t care for it lol).  I sucked at small talk, and whenever I was in a group of people I didn’t say anything unless I had something specific to relay.  For the most part I spent my teenage years in my bedroom if I wasn’t at school or at my part time job.  I was smart and knew too much about some things, but was way too naive about others.

Meeting people online was just starting to come about when I met my hubby.  I found I could chat behind a computer so much easier than over the phone or in person.  It wasn’t until Gun and I opened our marriage that I fully realized this.  People started talking to me, and I found it easier to talk to them but even then, it can be easy to hide or re-imagine yourself. I am a genuine version of myself when behind a keyboard, but you never know who else is. I rather quickly found out that a connection you might have online with someone doesn’t necessarily transfer over to the same sort of connection in real life.

It’s taken years, but I know now what it’s like to truly be seen.  To have someone actively want to uncover parts within you, and to help find the person who’s there but has been locked away her whole life.  To see a being emerging in front of them and to love them.  To help them fly.  It’s humbling.

The shy, insecure girl I used to be is still there.  She pokes and prods me sometimes with her doubt.  It’s hard not to listen when she was the voice inside my head for 36 years.  But I’m trying…