Fallen, but I will get back up again

A Facebook “on this day” post hit home this morning.  It was 6 years ago today that I signed up for a bootcamp class with the city. This bootcamp class was a catalyst in my life. It started the journey of me finally accepting and liking myself, and ultimately helped lead me to the courage needed in asking my husband about opening up our marriage. Continue reading

Career life musings during the few last days of being 41…

‪If I were to have my dream job, it’d be something creative. Chainmaille/jewelry making and/or the window painting I love to do would be the ultimate. How can I do these as a full time job? How can I get there? I *hate* sales; I seriously suck at it.‬ custom made service is easy; I’m polite and hate to put anyone out. Actually going out of my and asking them to buy stuff?  Yeah no, not me. I tried it with Tupperware after my oldest was born, but I lasted as long as my Aunt’s had shoes for me. 

‪As I sit here at my “for a living” job, I know I need more. I’ve had various administration jobs for the past 21(eek!!!) years. I really I don’t mind the work, but who you work for means a lot in this type of position. My boss is a tool. A selfish witch who truly doesn’t appreciate what I do for her. I need out of here, but I don’t know where to go. Admin jobs like this are in high competition in the area I live, and I’d rather not commute for 1++ hours if I really don’t have to. I’m trying. I’m applying for various jobs I see or get sent (as everyone I care for knows I’m fed up and am looking.)

I’ve been doing some soul searching of various sorts lately, and the job front has been a biggie…

*sigh* 😔

Busy thoughts floating around my brain

Things have been busy of late, both life wise and mental wise. I’ve come to a peace of sorts with myself, so it’s helped settle down some things in my brain.

Our last quad weekend was a decent one, though Bob’s allergies were outrageous. He and I weren’t able to play as much as we had wanted, but had a good talk and a quick flogging/impact session before they left. I found it tough to get that and them having to head home shortly after though.  We both agreed it wasn’t ideal, but circumstances beyond our control just wouldn’t allow for anything other than that.

I’ve had a couple of dates with Erik since our cop-blocked evening. One continued what the cop interrupted. The other one was more vanilla, it was us walking around the zoo for a couple of hours one afternoon with he and Mia’s young daughter.  It was sweet; she’s such a cutie pie.  I won’t deny that I wished it could have been longer though, maybe even have stretched it out to hang out with Mia as well as I haven’t seen her in many months.  Ah well.

I am currently in the throes of the PMS roller coaster ride again.  The last month or two I’ve found that I’m not suffering from sub drop too badly after sessions with Bob/Sir, but it seems to hit me when I PMS.  I figure it’s because I’m not too bad at controlling my emotions and keeping stable most of the time, but when it’s out of my control it hits me smack on.  Everything that I stress and struggle with bubble up and over.  Worries, fears, needs, wants, insecurities… the list goes on.  I have surrounded myself with a good support system, so that does help a lot.

I am just in such a unique situation that it feels there is nobody to turn to.  I don’t think anyone can really, fully, understand what it’s like to be me these days.  I have my husband of 16 years (20 years together), Gun.  We’ve changed and grown quite a bit over the past almost 4 years we’ve been open.  In some ways we’ve grown closer together and more understanding of each other.  In other ways we’ve grown apart.  At the core though, there’s still a solid foundation of support, love, and caring, we still like each other.  But there are things I cannot give him, and things he cannot give me.  For myself, namely it’s that I’ve discovered I’m rather kinky.  That I have a submissive side that needs to be nourished.

That’s where Bob has helped me a lot.  The past couple of months with Bob being my Sir have been amazing.  I love how he nurtures that side of me, the many ways he gets me are indescribable. I want to continue, I want to see where he can take me, as he’s already opened so many doors within.  Without him, I’m not sure how excited I’d be to be on this journey.  Accepting his consideration collar showed just how very significant my feelings for him are, and the depth and strength of our connection.

I have also come to care very deeply for Erik.  Things of late have gotten a little more intense between us, and the more I get to know him, the more I want to see where he can take me too.  His approach is very different than Bob’s, he’s more subtle and fluid.  There are things he’s been able to see within me that nobody else has.  I feel that we are at a precipice in our relationship at the moment, and we’re both being cautious on what the next steps could be.  I know I want to explore some kinky play with him.  We had one full evening of it a few months back, and it was fantastic.  Would I also want Erik to be a Dom of mine?  I don’t know, I won’t label anything right now, I just want to see how our relationship continues to develop.

So, yeah…unconventional to say the least.  In 99% of the multiple Dom scenarios I’ve read about, the Dom’s know each other and essentially co-Dom.  I don’t think that’s something that would fit here.  But, why would we have to do what others have done?  I know I’m in an unusual situation, so doing what others have done doesn’t make sense to me.  I just want the opportunity to be able to see where all of my relationships can go and grow without limits.

Anyway, that’s been my life in a nutshell these days.  I’ve been just taking things as they come.  Not letting myself dwell on what I can’t control.  However, add to the relationship stuff: the kids going back to school (one in high school! Eek!), our younger son having anxiety issues, money troubles, vehicle issues,  jobs that both Gun and I hate…things can get overwhelming very fast.  As I said earlier, I’ve been good holding things together for the most part but when my emotions are fragile because of hormonal swings, it just makes the rest of it so much more difficult to hold together.