With the Covid-19 isolation going on, I had a realization the other day that I’m now essentially living like I did as a teenager. Three decades ago I left the house for school Continue reading
This past weekend Erik and I went away to a hotel not too far away and spent a couple of days and nights together. It’s been three years since we met and started dating, and it was also the first time we’ve been able to spend that amount of time together.
It was an amazing, relaxing, fun, connective weekend. I enjoyed every moment we had together, but by the time I got home, I found myself fighting my emotions and holding on by a thread.
Why was this?
I was confounded at first with what my emotions were bringing up in me. I didn’t lack with cuddles, kisses, or random touches all weekend. Other than not wanting our time together to end (nothing new there), what had me so riled up?
I realized that I put myself out there in ways I haven’t in a long time. I was nervous and scared, but I did it. I was glad I did, and I think Erik appreciated it too, though some of what was bothering me was the way I perceived a few of his reactions.
What stands out the most is that it showed me how uncomfortable I’ve become in my own skin. The inner me knows what she wants and needs now more than ever, but I’m not happy with the outer me.
Erik gave me a cute, flowery, sheer nightie the first night we were away. From the searing looks Erik was giving me while wearing it, he seemed to like it quite a lot, but I honestly couldn’t stand to look at parts of me in it. It wasn’t *my* body, or at least not the one I had finally grown to accept and like in the recent-ish past.
I had lost 75lbs a few years ago, but over the last while, I’ve put it all back on. I’m the most disappointed in myself for the last year specifically. The coping mechanisms I’ve used for dealing with things in my life weren’t ideal and as a result I don’t recognize me anymore. Those things I had trouble coping with have started to straighten out some, but I’m now here… feeling like the overweight unhealthy person I was over 6 years ago.
I think a lot of my reactions were based in that. I’d put myself out there. Insecure, gross feeling me…
Erik and I talked some last night. While the rational part of my head knew I was on the wrong track, it did help some to get confirmation that was the case. .
I’m still feeling off though. I think me trying to take back control of my health should help. It’ll be an uphill battle, but I’ve done it successfully before. Dammit, I can do it again.
<This is the living area of the suite we stayed in. The featured pic is the view.>
I saw a tweet on @TheKinkRealm tonight that was a prompt of sorts – “How may I be of service?” #subquotes #BDSM – is what it read (or see the header pic to this post).
I had to take pause after reading that.
It’s honestly something I think and feel every day, but I don’t ask. I guess I should, but really the answers I figure I’ll most likely get would have to deal with doing things on my own; reflection, meditating, that kind of thing. I do that in my own way often, it’s a way I stay sane with the distance and time issues I have in my BDSM relationships. So I haven’t asked.
Is it worth asking? Really I guess there are no stupid questions, especially in those connections that you trust inherently.
Yes, my brain is working overtime again.
A Facebook “on this day” post hit home this morning. It was 6 years ago today that I signed up for a bootcamp class with the city. This bootcamp class was a catalyst in my life. It started the journey of me finally accepting and liking myself, and ultimately helped lead me to the courage needed in asking my husband about opening up our marriage. Continue reading
*Warning: one picture included below involves blood, it’s from consensual needle play.
This year I was able to book off the Friday and was on holidays the following week, so I could be there every day of Forbidden.
For those who don’t know, Forbidden is a yearly kinky camping event in southern Ontario at a gay men’s campground. They open their doors three times a year for us kinky and open minded folk, Forbidden being one of them. The camp ground is beautiful and well kept. There’s a salt water pool, a rec hall that they hold activities in, a food truck/cantina kind of thing if you don’t feel like camp food, a tent with donated play equipment, and a forest full of fun kinky equipment at our disposal. Us attendees also plan all sorts of activities for anyone to join in throughout the weekend. Continue reading
I’ve been so down on myself about my weight recently, but also have been having such a hard time keeping balanced overall. I don’t get stressed easily, but I’ve realized that I’ve fallen back to some old coping strategies (namely food) and added others (namely wine), plus jumped into my creativity, to help balance.
My kitten got neutered today. Thankfully, he’s been doing well though. A little slower than his usual self, but he’s been playful enough to know he’ll be fine.
Gun and I have been okay, he’s had a somewhat better time at work since he’s been so busy. It’s good for him, but he’s exhausted at the end of the day, so crashes when we get to bed…quality time has been something we’re trying to fit it in, but it hasn’t been easy.
Bob/Sir has been awesome but our time is so few and far between since March that I’ve been missing him, our connection, and getting a sound fucking beating for a while now. I’m missing it so much that I’m beyond aching. That side of me is somewhat numb actually. The fact we won’t be able to connect like that until August doesn’t help. It’s like a side of me that’s come to represent so much of my being has gone dormant. I’ve been communicating this with Bob and he’s been great with understanding and doing what he can. The thing is, at a distance there’s only so much anyone can do (have I said before how I really don’t understand online-only relationships?!? To each their own, but in-person connection is imperative for me), but we try.
Erik has just come off a super busy month and a half for himself work wise, just to jump into his wife Mia up for a local council chair which has him running all over the place constantly. We got to spend a few hours together last Saturday which was fantastic. I keep hearing that this summer will be different than last, but honestly the side of myself that’s gone into protective mode since then is really cautious.
Work still sucks ass and has me frustrated, and no calls or emails on jobs at all.
Needless to say, I’ve been hyper focused on my creative outlets (jewelry making – chainmaille and now wire wrapping too) and churning out products like crazy. I totally LOVE it and would love to do that full time, or even part time with a nominal part time job. Almost anywhere out of where I am.
Anyway…I’ve been trying…ish.
I read the following writing on Fetlife by the awesome kinkibella, and she touched on so many points and thoughts I’ve had myself in my polyamorous adventure that I wanted to share it. She graciously is letting me share this here 🙂
If you have Fetlife, please check out the original post and give it some love ❤
When your eyes gaze into mine, I can tell that you truly see me. Your love and acceptance helps wipe away decades of being overlooked.
And I was overlooked. I don’t think anyone actually saw me while I was in high school or even middle school, but that was kind of the way I wanted it. Or it was at least the way I thought I wanted it. I was independent and was content on my own. I liked my own company, I had my cat, my creative outlets, and I was fine wrapped up in my shell. Looking back I so desperately wanted attention, to be seen and loved. Though it’s not like my home life sucked, it was fine. My parents were great and I was able to do pretty much whatever I wanted. I was a shy only child who had no confidence in herself, and disliked talking on the phone (I still don’t care for it lol). I sucked at small talk, and whenever I was in a group of people I didn’t say anything unless I had something specific to relay. For the most part I spent my teenage years in my bedroom if I wasn’t at school or at my part time job. I was smart and knew too much about some things, but was way too naive about others.
Meeting people online was just starting to come about when I met my hubby. I found I could chat behind a computer so much easier than over the phone or in person. It wasn’t until Gun and I opened our marriage that I fully realized this. People started talking to me, and I found it easier to talk to them but even then, it can be easy to hide or re-imagine yourself. I am a genuine version of myself when behind a keyboard, but you never know who else is. I rather quickly found out that a connection you might have online with someone doesn’t necessarily transfer over to the same sort of connection in real life.
It’s taken years, but I know now what it’s like to truly be seen. To have someone actively want to uncover parts within you, and to help find the person who’s there but has been locked away her whole life. To see a being emerging in front of them and to love them. To help them fly. It’s humbling.
The shy, insecure girl I used to be is still there. She pokes and prods me sometimes with her doubt. It’s hard not to listen when she was the voice inside my head for 36 years. But I’m trying…
We had such a fantastic week in Disney, the quad plus Gun’s and my kids. We stayed at the Animal Kingdom “time share” that Bob and Lexxi have. The place was amazing. We spent 8 days relaxing and wandering the 4 parks and shopping at Disney Springs. Because the kids were there, we had to be careful with the 4 of us. We were able to swap bedrooms 2 of the nights while there and one when back at our house, but because of sleep schedules and not wanting to risk more than we had to, that was it. We came home exhausted but on a high. The exhaustion was mostly because our flight back in landed just before 1:30am, then we had an hour drive home after getting our luggage.
Back at work, I started to feel off. I blamed it on a combination of PMS and drop. I generally don’t get depressed or anxious, at least not for any prolonged or in-depth periods of time, but I do find I get into somewhat self-deprecating moods. I don’t give a shit about what food or drink I put into my body, or what I do (or more don’t do) exercise wise. I know I shouldn’t get like this, but I do, and I was in full force last week, after our holidays.
My “off-mess” since then has mostly subsided, but it’s recently started to be replaced by a feeling I know all too well: submissive longing. Even though I just saw Bob for the better part of 10 days during our vacation, I had to suppress a lot of my submissive side the entire week. Yes, I did what I could whenever I could, it’s probably one reason I felt the need to handle the meal prep and clean up. I hate that shit with a passion, but it’s a way to serve my loved ones. Though I know I need to learn to either ask for help or not jump so quickly as I had a small breakdown one evening, and it sprung itself upon me at one of the worst times; during a very full bus ride back to our unit from Magic Kingdom. Thankfully my kids were hidden behind people standing in front of me, and that Lexxi saw what was going on with me. She and Bob switched seats so he could give me some comfort then.
It’s been a month and a half since I could really steep myself in my submission though. I’ve had some instances since then, but they were limited: Bob and I got to finally do our “greeting” ritual on our last night together after we got back home, and I’ve had a couple of tastes when with Erik but that’s more our connection than anything “formal”, so really it hasn’t been anything that has completely fulfilled me for any length of time. It’s one of the things I have the most difficulty with honestly. I’ve figured out a lot about myself the last couple of years, but it definitely tests my patience. Especially when it surrounds a lot of my social media accounts. I guess that’s also why I don’t go on in-depth on a couple of them much anymore, and I’ve taken a lot of notifications off of people’s accounts…I look when I feel ready to.
Ultimately I’m wanting to really let go. I’m wanting to fly. I’m starting to get to that point where I need pain. I’m also feeling the gut wrenching need to be torn wide open and rebuilt again.
I know I’m loved, but am I needed? Continue reading