Forbidden 2018

Soon after getting back from Forbidden last year, Gun declared that he wanted to attend the next one. I think I he was curious about it all, but the morning non-kinky grappling sessions finalized his decision to give it a try.

We had a year of planning. We had hoped to camp in a camper of some sort, but the one that was going to be lent to us fell through, so we were back to tent camping. That coupled with us not getting a serviced site, plus Bob’s health the month+ before had us evaluating if we were going to go right down to the end. Continue reading

After vacay thoughts and feelings

We had such a fantastic week in Disney, the quad plus Gun’s and my kids. We stayed at the Animal Kingdom “time share” that Bob and Lexxi have. The place was amazing. We spent 8 days relaxing and wandering the 4 parks and shopping at Disney Springs. Because the kids were there, we had to be careful with the 4 of us. We were able to swap bedrooms 2 of the nights while there and one when back at our house, but because of sleep schedules and not wanting to risk more than we had to, that was it. We came home exhausted but on a high. The exhaustion was mostly because our flight back in landed just before 1:30am, then we had an hour drive home after getting our luggage. 

Back at work, I started to feel off. I blamed it on a combination of PMS and drop. I generally don’t get depressed or anxious, at least not for any prolonged or in-depth periods of time, but I do find I get into somewhat self-deprecating moods. I don’t give a shit about what food or drink I put into my body, or what I do (or more don’t do) exercise wise. I know I shouldn’t get like this, but I do, and I was in full force last week, after our holidays.

My “off-mess” since then has mostly subsided, but it’s recently started to be replaced by a feeling I know all too well: submissive longing. Even though I just saw Bob for the better part of 10 days during our vacation, I had to suppress a lot of my submissive side the entire week. Yes, I did what I could whenever I could, it’s probably one reason I felt the need to handle the meal prep and clean up. I hate that shit with a passion, but it’s a way to serve my loved ones. Though I know I need to learn to either ask for help or not jump so quickly as I had a small breakdown one evening, and it sprung itself upon me at one of the worst times; during a very full bus ride back to our unit from Magic Kingdom. Thankfully my kids were hidden behind people standing in front of me, and that Lexxi saw what was going on with me. She and Bob switched seats so he could give me some comfort then. 

It’s been a month and a half since I could really steep myself in my submission though. I’ve had some instances since then, but they were limited: Bob and I got to finally do our “greeting” ritual on our last night together after we got back home, and I’ve had a couple of tastes when with Erik but that’s more our connection than anything “formal”, so really it hasn’t been anything that has completely fulfilled me for any length of time. It’s one of the things I have the most difficulty with honestly. I’ve figured out a lot about myself the last couple of years, but it definitely tests my patience. Especially when it surrounds a lot of my social media accounts. I guess that’s also why I don’t go on in-depth on a couple of them much anymore, and I’ve taken a lot of notifications off of people’s accounts…I look when I feel ready to. 

Ultimately I’m wanting to really let go. I’m wanting to fly. I’m starting to get to that point where I need pain. I’m also feeling the gut wrenching need to be torn wide open and rebuilt again. 

Patience girl…patience…

Masochistic, pain slut thoughts…

Sometimes I think I’m weird. How can someone possibly like pain? Want pain. Crave it. Absolutely need it at times. Well, certain pain anyway. I hate the stabbing pain in my knee I get occasionally when I walk up or down stairs, but whip my ass with a leather strap? Umf…fuck yes. No thanks to the clicking stiffness I get in my shoulder and neck, but scratching up and down my body will make me shiver and moan out loud. Continue reading

My weekend with Sir

Sir and I had been in discussions about a weekend away together for quite some time, but it never materialized.  We’ve only been away together once and that was within the first year of the quad getting together (so like 3 years ago now).  Even the last time we had an entire weekend to ourselves was a swap weekend over two years before.  So, we all discussed it and booked a date at the end of November to have another swap weekend.  This would be my first weekend together with Bob since we added D/s to our dynamic, so I was a little nervous but extremely excited.  We do have some things in our day-to-day life, plus when the four of us are together, but it’s not the same as one-on-one time.  The place that Sir had been looking at for us to go was booked, so a weekend for us at Bob and Lexxi’s house was decided. Continue reading

Self discovery thoughts on a Friday afternoon

Have you ever learned something about yourself you almost wished you hadn’t? Part of me has wondered about that lately. I look back at myself 5 years ago, and see a girl who was living locked up; I had such thick and high walls surrounding me…which doesn’t sound great, but since those walls started crumbling, now I find that I just feel so much. I can’t stuff things down like I used to be able to and it can make things difficult, but I guess is a good thing overall. But with these self discoveries, I’ve also had times where I’ve felt more inherently me, naturally whole, and it’s been truly incredible. I just find that I have a hard time in between those moments, or when those moments are few and far between. Continue reading

#30DaysofKink – Day 1

This past summer a few of the blogs I follow had done the 30 Days of Kink challenge – http://www.insatiabledesire.com/2010/08/09/thirty-days-of-kink/ and I noted it down to complete at some point.  I was in a state of early self discovery in my submission back then, so I really didn’t feel it was the best time to answer some of the questions, as I had no idea where to begin.  A friend of mine just started doing this, so I decided to do it as well since I’m feeling more stable about myself these days.  I’ve also since been tasked to do it.  I won’t guarantee I’ll be posting these daily, but expect them at least twice a week until finished.  Enjoy, and feel free to complete it yourself, if you want to and haven’t already. Continue reading

What level of sub am I?

I was given this website: http://www.sirbamm.com/submission.html to take a look at, and try to see where I fall in the listed 9 levels of submission.

I would say I’m more of a 6 currently, but am looking at exploring more the direction of 7. 

9 will never be me, as I couldn’t just blindly give up my entire life and not question at all. 

There are aspects of 8 that intrigue me (few limits, pleasing the Dom, feeling like a prized possession – however I believe all of those can be felt at the level of 7 as well) but a couple of major points that make me doubt I ever would get to this level. First off, I don’t have a live-in Dom, so can’t be a live-in sub (duh). The other thing that stands out is that I couldn’t exist for just one person, and honestly don’t want to. I’m poly and have kids, it’s just not possible. Yes, when I’m with my Dom, especially if currently in that mindset, he would be forefront in my mind, but I respect my husband and other loved ones, I care about them and want to please in my own way as well. 

I’m still finding this aspect of myself, but it is interesting to reflect upon some ideas of where I am, where I’m looking to, and could potentially become. Either way, I’ll find what’s right for me.