Tape won’t hold together cracks for too long 

It’s been a challenging few months in various aspects for me but I’ve been holding steady. It’s weird though; I’ve been in a mindset for the past few weeks to basically push everything aside and focus on my creativity. I’m still kinda there, but not. I have my moments where I feel so overwhelmed and needy, but I’ve found my footing and reigned it in and basically pushed it all down. 

This past weekend was a quad weekend, but it also kind of wasn’t. We were all together but my other best friend, her husband, and their daughter were also there, so we didn’t get the same swapped alone time that we usually do even when my kids are there with us. It was the first time in about 2 years that Bob and I didn’t get to do our D/s greeting ritual 😔  i honestly wouldn’t have changed the weekend if I could, but it was just so odd and unusual that I don’t think I really escaped the mindset I’ve been in, even with the extra day together. I’m not sure what to think of it, but honestly patience is still what’s needed the most, so I’m not putting a lot of thought into it right now.

It’s where the “I don’t give a shit” attitude I’ve had for quite a while now just doesn’t help. That and when I get home from work, I’m totally thinking “fuck it” to pretty much everything.

I’m not feeling submissive these days. I recognized my yearning for a sound beating back a month or two ago, but that’s almost gone dormant. I know it’s there, but I just feel like I’m on autopilot through pretty well everything lately. I don’t feel much, I don’t engage, I just exist… I hate it, but don’t know how to find my way out of it without cracking somewhere. 


Subdrop:The temporary depression experienced by submissives/masochists after intense BDSM play. (Source: Urban Dictionary)

I do believe that drop isn’t just a thing for subs, masochists, Doms, or even have to include BDSM play. I think anyone can get it. Con Drop is something that people who’ve been to “lifestyle” conferences regularly talk about.

In my opinion and experiences I tend to feel a drop of some sort after an encounter where energy has been exchanged, and positive connections have occurred.  Continue reading

My weekend with Sir

Sir and I had been in discussions about a weekend away together for quite some time, but it never materialized.  We’ve only been away together once and that was within the first year of the quad getting together (so like 3 years ago now).  Even the last time we had an entire weekend to ourselves was a swap weekend over two years before.  So, we all discussed it and booked a date at the end of November to have another swap weekend.  This would be my first weekend together with Bob since we added D/s to our dynamic, so I was a little nervous but extremely excited.  We do have some things in our day-to-day life, plus when the four of us are together, but it’s not the same as one-on-one time.  The place that Sir had been looking at for us to go was booked, so a weekend for us at Bob and Lexxi’s house was decided. Continue reading

Subspace processing 

This past weekend was supposed to be a quad weekend, but it ended up being just me heading to see Bob and Lexxi since Gun had to work late Thursday and Friday nights. It really sucked that he wasn’t there, but sometimes things can’t be helped. I was glad I got to go though, there have been some things happening with Bob lately that I’m processing, so being able to see and talk to him in person helped so much. It’s all positive, but it’s still a change and I’m working through it.  Continue reading

I actually went camping!

For those that know me, camping just isn’t something I do. If I want a weekend away, or a vacation, I want a real bed, indoor plumbing, and a/c or heat. Plus cooking and cleaning have never been things I enjoy.

That being said, when Bob asked if I wanted to go kinky camping with he and Lexxi, and friends of theirs, I was open to the idea. Gun was supportive of me going with them.

On Fetlife, I’d read about Forbidden (or “camp” as it’s commonly called), and it definitely had me intrigued. A long weekend of pretty much anything BDSM wise your heart desires. It runs every summer at the beginning of August from Thursday until Tuesday.

The group I was camping with all got there on Thursday early evening. I couldn’t get any time off work, so I headed there right after I finished work on the Friday. I was nervous as I didn’t know what to expect, but my nerves dissipated the moment I saw Bob standing at the check in spot, waiting for me. There were about a dozen or so people in our “group” spread over 5 sites. I’d met them all before at least once and I was warmly greeted by them all.

I had accepted Bob’s collar a few weeks earlier, but that evening was when he presented it to me. My formal collar is silver chainmaille, which I made with His approval. My Sir also presented me with a pair of earrings that serve as my day “collar.”

Sir and I then took a walk; He showed me around the camp grounds. I was particularly curious about the forest and the apparatuses that were spread throughout. St Andrews crosses, spanking benches, swings, a crucifix, a building with glory holes…my mind was racing with various thoughts and ideas. Bob and I talked about having our impact scene that night, so I would be zen and ready for the rest of the weekend…for various reasons, it had been since the beginning of April since we could have a full sadist/masochist impact session. After the tour, I relaxed with a glass of wine, while chatting to the others before we headed for that.

Sir and I had our scene in the play tent that’s available for everyone at camp. The cabaret show was just finishing so it was empty. I was strapped to a horse/spanking bench, and he went to work on me. I have to say, that’s my favourite apparatus thus far. It started with flogging and ended with me begging “yes please” to yet another strike of His leather strap again and again, until I broke down in much needed sobs. Needless to say we returned to the group sound the campfire relaxed.

The next day, Bob helped me with something I had asked for a few weeks earlier: to learn the basics of flogging. Lexxi agreed to be my willing “victim.” The three of us headed into the forest. With Lexxi strapped to a cross deep in the trees, our Sir guided me. He gave suggestions and thoughts, but ultimately let me enjoy hitting my sister sub with various implements. It’s not something I’d want to do often, but it was enjoyable and was an experience I was glad to have had.

The rest of the day, we pretty much spent in various degrees of nekkidness in and around the pool 😉

That evening Bob hosted the scotch and cigar social. Lexxi, myself, and two other of our friends agreed to be servers. We were all new to it, and I know I was nervous. Being the only one who watched the YouTube videos on how to cut and light cigars, I was volunteered to do that. I was terrified, but excited. I think I did pretty well. I don’t believe I faux pas’d with any of that, and I was proud (and honestly amazed) at how I controlled getting down and up with my shitty knees without groaning every time I cut a cigar.

On Sunday, later in the morning, Lexxi and I got to try porcupine quills from one of the amazing ladies we were camping with. Bob wanted to learn, so he was there paying rapt attention and learning how to utilize them. Lexxi went first, as she was a little apprehensive but wanted to see how they felt. I’m guessing she’ll touch on it when she writes her blog, but she didn’t shy away from it. Then it was my turn. It was interesting listening to Sir getting instruction on how to poke me with the quills, then amusing listening to the sub of the Domme showing Sir the quills how to be more masochistic with the experience. By the end, I orgasmed on the table and was readily saying I’d do that again.

After a short dip on the pool, and an awesome cob of corn, it was time for me to head home…

Processing stuff:

I loved the weekend, and knew immediately that I needed to try to come for longer next year. The group we were with was amazing and made me feel so included, though physical distance plus not being there as long honestly made me feel a little left out.

I loved being able to be Sir’s sub fully for the entire weekend, but I did struggle at times. It’s still a new and evolving dynamic. There were times I felt useless and at a loss, but knew it was nothing I did or could have done. I can’t complete with a 20+ year dynamic, so it’s more figuring out where I can fit in.

I really didn’t get to socialize with our friends there nearly enough. The group we were with are all awesome, and I totally want to get to know them all better. Plus I’d love to socialize more with the other campers. I live 5 hours away from Bob and Lexxi, but had met a bunch of their friends and acquaintances before, plus knew of a handful from my own city. Next time I want to take part in some of the group organized events.

I wish I had had my own scene in the forest. After walking in there, I had visions of Sir grabbing me by my hair and pretty much dragging to the forest to do whatever He pleased with me.

Not next year, but maybe a few years in the future, I’m intrigued by the consensual non-consent take down scenes. I’ve read a few write ups and they’ve piqued my interest. My main issue right now is that I really have no experience in that and to start I need it to be with a trusted partner. I couldn’t have someone I don’t know take me down (yet…?).

We so totally need shade in our camping area. Better yet, an air conditioned cabin..yeah, I know I’m dreaming, I did start this post off saying I’m not a camper lol!

Overall though, I had an amazing weekend. I fought hard not to totally crash on Tuesday and Wednesday. It’s so amazing and freeing to be able to be somewhere where you don’t have to hide anything. I fought hard enough that I actually went to a local casual event by myself. People who know me, know this was huge…

Until next year!

Bob’s birthday weekend

Bob’s birthday is only a few weeks after Christmas, so I started to think about what to possibly get him just after the new year. Bob and Lexxi had been planning on going to Florida to Disney World in mid-January, but because of an unexpected circumstance that had arisen, they had to put that thought on hold for now. I looked at our calendar and saw we were free that weekend.  Also Bob’s birthday was on a Friday and their local swing club was having it’s monthly fetish night that night.  I asked Gun his thoughts on Bob’s present being me going to spend the weekend with him and Lexxi.  He thought it was a great idea.  I then asked Lexxi her thoughts, and she agreed it was perfect.  She and I then plotted, er talked, discussing if surprising Bob would be a good idea.  He did specifically tell us a couple of weeks before that he wanted to know if we were planning anything and didn’t want surprises, though the thought of Bob seeing me showing up unexpectedly to the club wearing something sexy and a bow was a fun one.  The decision was made to ask him if he liked the idea of my presence there as his birthday present.  Needless to say, he did 🙂 Continue reading