Busy thoughts floating around my brain

Things have been busy of late, both life wise and mental wise. I’ve come to a peace of sorts with myself, so it’s helped settle down some things in my brain.

Our last quad weekend was a decent one, though Bob’s allergies were outrageous. He and I weren’t able to play as much as we had wanted, but had a good talk and a quick flogging/impact session before they left. I found it tough to get that and them having to head home shortly after though.  We both agreed it wasn’t ideal, but circumstances beyond our control just wouldn’t allow for anything other than that.

I’ve had a couple of dates with Erik since our cop-blocked evening. One continued what the cop interrupted. The other one was more vanilla, it was us walking around the zoo for a couple of hours one afternoon with he and Mia’s young daughter.  It was sweet; she’s such a cutie pie.  I won’t deny that I wished it could have been longer though, maybe even have stretched it out to hang out with Mia as well as I haven’t seen her in many months.  Ah well.

I am currently in the throes of the PMS roller coaster ride again.  The last month or two I’ve found that I’m not suffering from sub drop too badly after sessions with Bob/Sir, but it seems to hit me when I PMS.  I figure it’s because I’m not too bad at controlling my emotions and keeping stable most of the time, but when it’s out of my control it hits me smack on.  Everything that I stress and struggle with bubble up and over.  Worries, fears, needs, wants, insecurities… the list goes on.  I have surrounded myself with a good support system, so that does help a lot.

I am just in such a unique situation that it feels there is nobody to turn to.  I don’t think anyone can really, fully, understand what it’s like to be me these days.  I have my husband of 16 years (20 years together), Gun.  We’ve changed and grown quite a bit over the past almost 4 years we’ve been open.  In some ways we’ve grown closer together and more understanding of each other.  In other ways we’ve grown apart.  At the core though, there’s still a solid foundation of support, love, and caring, we still like each other.  But there are things I cannot give him, and things he cannot give me.  For myself, namely it’s that I’ve discovered I’m rather kinky.  That I have a submissive side that needs to be nourished.

That’s where Bob has helped me a lot.  The past couple of months with Bob being my Sir have been amazing.  I love how he nurtures that side of me, the many ways he gets me are indescribable. I want to continue, I want to see where he can take me, as he’s already opened so many doors within.  Without him, I’m not sure how excited I’d be to be on this journey.  Accepting his consideration collar showed just how very significant my feelings for him are, and the depth and strength of our connection.

I have also come to care very deeply for Erik.  Things of late have gotten a little more intense between us, and the more I get to know him, the more I want to see where he can take me too.  His approach is very different than Bob’s, he’s more subtle and fluid.  There are things he’s been able to see within me that nobody else has.  I feel that we are at a precipice in our relationship at the moment, and we’re both being cautious on what the next steps could be.  I know I want to explore some kinky play with him.  We had one full evening of it a few months back, and it was fantastic.  Would I also want Erik to be a Dom of mine?  I don’t know, I won’t label anything right now, I just want to see how our relationship continues to develop.

So, yeah…unconventional to say the least.  In 99% of the multiple Dom scenarios I’ve read about, the Dom’s know each other and essentially co-Dom.  I don’t think that’s something that would fit here.  But, why would we have to do what others have done?  I know I’m in an unusual situation, so doing what others have done doesn’t make sense to me.  I just want the opportunity to be able to see where all of my relationships can go and grow without limits.

Anyway, that’s been my life in a nutshell these days.  I’ve been just taking things as they come.  Not letting myself dwell on what I can’t control.  However, add to the relationship stuff: the kids going back to school (one in high school! Eek!), our younger son having anxiety issues, money troubles, vehicle issues,  jobs that both Gun and I hate…things can get overwhelming very fast.  As I said earlier, I’ve been good holding things together for the most part but when my emotions are fragile because of hormonal swings, it just makes the rest of it so much more difficult to hold together.

Well, that was an interesting date night!

Last night, Erik and I made plans to meet at a coffee shop about half way between our houses (we live about an hour apart).  A typical coffee date for us consists of sitting in the coffee shop for about an hour, then heading to one of our cars, driving around for a bit and/or finding a place to park, talk, and make out 😉  Last night we grabbed our coffees and decided to forego the first part.

Erik and Mia only have one vehicle, so they rent one when they need a second.  This weekend they had needed to, and I found out as we were approaching said vehicle that when Mia found out they were getting a mini van this time, she pretty much told Erik that he had to make plans with me, lol!  I blushed and literally laughed out loud.  Compersion can be a humbling thing, and can speak volumes ☺️

So, we climbed into the van, and Erik proceeded to take the scenic route to a dog park we had parked at the last time we met up.  It was after 9:00pm by this time, so it was dark and nobody else was there.  Seatbelts off, we talked and kissed.  A lot.  The windows got fogged up pretty quickly 😏

We’d been there for about an hour, when another vehicle pulled into the parking lot.  We were backed into a parking space and facing the road, so we could clearly see when any headlights that passed by.  This vehicle stopped in front of us.  A light from the top of it turned on and pointed towards us.  Another brighter light turned on and was aimed in our direction.  Yep, it was a police car.  I couldn’t see much as the front window was all foggy, but Erik soon rolled down the drivers side window.  The police officer came over to the window and asked what we were doing parked here tonight.  Looking down at myself, I was very thankful that I still had all of my clothes on and they were righted.  We greeted her, and let her know we were drinking coffee and chatting.  She made a comment about sitting in a Starbucks to drink coffee and chat, but I quipped I preferred Tim Horton’s and she laughed.  She asked if we were from around here, and told us that she would like to see our ID’s since we were sitting in a rental car.  I stated the city I live in, while digging my licence out of my wallet.  She looked at both Erik’s and my licences, looked at Erik and commented “You’re from <insert town name here>? Well, it makes sense that you’re meeting here, it is half way between you both.” and walked to the cruiser with our ID.  We looked at each other and laughed.  She was gone for what felt like at least 5-10 minutes before she returned.  She thanked us for cooperating, informed us that the public parks officially closed at 11pm, and wished us a good evening.  She left shortly after that.  After a few minutes, Erik pondered aloud why she had wanted to run our licences.  He thinks she was checking to see if either of us were “working.”  That thought made me laugh again.

Needless to say, we’ve been laughing and shaking our heads since, and that it also put a kibosh on the possibility of us going any further in the emptiness that was the back of the van (did I mention that all the stow and go seats were stowed away?).  I wonder how things would have played out if she had happened upon us a half hour later?

Either way, we still enjoyed ourselves and definitely have a story that will be remembered for quite some time 😆

Writing, writing, writing…but not on here so much lately

I find writing my thoughts out incredibly cathartic.  Especially when I’m trying to make sense of myself, processing things in life, writing it down helps me organize and analyze everything.  I’ve been writing quite a bit over the past few months, but haven’t published many on my blog.  They’ve been incredibly private, and I’ve let only a small number of people read some of them.  Others haven’t seen the light of day to anyone else’s eyes.  But, writing them all has helped me to some degree or another.  I swear my psych degree has come in handier on myself since we opened our marriage almost 4 years ago, than it ever has before that. Lol!

Otherwise, things are going well with me.  Gun and I are celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary today 🙂  The quad is doing great, and are planning a visit next weekend.  Erik and I are doing wonderfully as well.  My job sucks, as does Gun’s, but hopefully I’ll hear some good news sooner than later in that department. Overall though, I know I can’t really complain.  I have a great family, awesome friends, and a lot of love in my life.  I am blessed.

Polyamorous Hierarchy Labels

Primary. Secondary. What do they mean? Do I believe in these labels?

To those who look at my relationships and lifestyle, they’d say I have one primary relationship, and a few secondary ones.

By definition (thanks Wikipedia) “Primary and secondary (and occasionally tertiary) are words used by some polyamorists to distinguish between different degrees of relationship and to describe participants in those relationships (e.g. “John is my primary”). Continue reading