Isolation Thoughts

With the Covid-19 isolation going on, I had a realization the other day that I’m now essentially living like I did as a teenager.  Three decades ago I left the house for school and the odd babysitting job, but otherwise I spent time alone in my room, watching TV and movies, and/or doing something creative like playing the flute, cross stitching, or colouring.  I’ve been off work since the closures started in mid-March as I’m a non-essential worker.  The last few weeks, I’ve spent the majority of my days by myself.  Gun is essential at his job so has been working from home on another floor, and the teens have mostly been doing their own things.  In the evenings, Gun and I spend some time together watching TV, but then he often wants to play Xbox with his friends, as it’s a way he decompresses and also socializes.  I understand and support this, but really that leaves me alone yet again.

Don’t get me wrong, I love alone time.  I *need* alone time…. But I’ve also learned a lot about myself over the last few years.  I know I need time around people.  I need touch.  I need affection.  I need to socialize.  I’m not the same shy, insecure 15 year old girl I was back then.  A coping mechanism I’ve always had is to push people away so I can stay safe behind my walls.  It’s something I continually struggle with, but I’ve done a lot of work and have since broken through a lot of those walls.  However life the way it is right now is difficult.  I can feel myself regressing.  The mortar is being slathered on, the bricks are slowly going back up.

I’ve been struggling a lot over the past year with identity and how I see myself.  Isolation has been both good and bad in this.  I have re-learned that I’m good with me.  Spending time with myself.  My creativity has flourished in new ways.  But other things I’ve uncovered are floundering, and  I’m not sure what to do…

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