After vacay thoughts and feelings

We had such a fantastic week in Disney, the quad plus Gun’s and my kids. We stayed at the Animal Kingdom “time share” that Bob and Lexxi have. The place was amazing. We spent 8 days relaxing and wandering the 4 parks and shopping at Disney Springs. Because the kids were there, we had to be careful with the 4 of us. We were able to swap bedrooms 2 of the nights while there and one when back at our house, but because of sleep schedules and not wanting to risk more than we had to, that was it. We came home exhausted but on a high. The exhaustion was mostly because our flight back in landed just before 1:30am, then we had an hour drive home after getting our luggage. 

Back at work, I started to feel off. I blamed it on a combination of PMS and drop. I generally don’t get depressed or anxious, at least not for any prolonged or in-depth periods of time, but I do find I get into somewhat self-deprecating moods. I don’t give a shit about what food or drink I put into my body, or what I do (or more don’t do) exercise wise. I know I shouldn’t get like this, but I do, and I was in full force last week, after our holidays.

My “off-mess” since then has mostly subsided, but it’s recently started to be replaced by a feeling I know all too well: submissive longing. Even though I just saw Bob for the better part of 10 days during our vacation, I had to suppress a lot of my submissive side the entire week. Yes, I did what I could whenever I could, it’s probably one reason I felt the need to handle the meal prep and clean up. I hate that shit with a passion, but it’s a way to serve my loved ones. Though I know I need to learn to either ask for help or not jump so quickly as I had a small breakdown one evening, and it sprung itself upon me at one of the worst times; during a very full bus ride back to our unit from Magic Kingdom. Thankfully my kids were hidden behind people standing in front of me, and that Lexxi saw what was going on with me. She and Bob switched seats so he could give me some comfort then. 

It’s been a month and a half since I could really steep myself in my submission though. I’ve had some instances since then, but they were limited: Bob and I got to finally do our “greeting” ritual on our last night together after we got back home, and I’ve had a couple of tastes when with Erik but that’s more our connection than anything “formal”, so really it hasn’t been anything that has completely fulfilled me for any length of time. It’s one of the things I have the most difficulty with honestly. I’ve figured out a lot about myself the last couple of years, but it definitely tests my patience. Especially when it surrounds a lot of my social media accounts. I guess that’s also why I don’t go on in-depth on a couple of them much anymore, and I’ve taken a lot of notifications off of people’s accounts…I look when I feel ready to. 

Ultimately I’m wanting to really let go. I’m wanting to fly. I’m starting to get to that point where I need pain. I’m also feeling the gut wrenching need to be torn wide open and rebuilt again. 

Patience girl…patience…

Masochistic, pain slut thoughts…

Sometimes I think I’m weird. How can someone possibly like pain? Want pain. Crave it. Absolutely need it at times. Well, certain pain anyway. I hate the stabbing pain in my knee I get occasionally when I walk up or down stairs, but whip my ass with a leather strap? Umf…fuck yes. No thanks to the clicking stiffness I get in my shoulder and neck, but scratching up and down my body will make me shiver and moan out loud. Continue reading

Drop

Subdrop:The temporary depression experienced by submissives/masochists after intense BDSM play. (Source: Urban Dictionary)

I do believe that drop isn’t just a thing for subs, masochists, Doms, or even have to include BDSM play. I think anyone can get it. Con Drop is something that people who’ve been to “lifestyle” conferences regularly talk about.

In my opinion and experiences I tend to feel a drop of some sort after an encounter where energy has been exchanged, and positive connections have occurred.  Continue reading

My weekend with Sir

Sir and I had been in discussions about a weekend away together for quite some time, but it never materialized.  We’ve only been away together once and that was within the first year of the quad getting together (so like 3 years ago now).  Even the last time we had an entire weekend to ourselves was a swap weekend over two years before.  So, we all discussed it and booked a date at the end of November to have another swap weekend.  This would be my first weekend together with Bob since we added D/s to our dynamic, so I was a little nervous but extremely excited.  We do have some things in our day-to-day life, plus when the four of us are together, but it’s not the same as one-on-one time.  The place that Sir had been looking at for us to go was booked, so a weekend for us at Bob and Lexxi’s house was decided. Continue reading

I actually went camping!

For those that know me, camping just isn’t something I do. If I want a weekend away, or a vacation, I want a real bed, indoor plumbing, and a/c or heat. Plus cooking and cleaning have never been things I enjoy.

That being said, when Bob asked if I wanted to go kinky camping with he and Lexxi, and friends of theirs, I was open to the idea. Gun was supportive of me going with them.

On Fetlife, I’d read about Forbidden (or “camp” as it’s commonly called), and it definitely had me intrigued. A long weekend of pretty much anything BDSM wise your heart desires. It runs every summer at the beginning of August from Thursday until Tuesday.

The group I was camping with all got there on Thursday early evening. I couldn’t get any time off work, so I headed there right after I finished work on the Friday. I was nervous as I didn’t know what to expect, but my nerves dissipated the moment I saw Bob standing at the check in spot, waiting for me. There were about a dozen or so people in our “group” spread over 5 sites. I’d met them all before at least once and I was warmly greeted by them all.

I had accepted Bob’s collar a few weeks earlier, but that evening was when he presented it to me. My formal collar is silver chainmaille, which I made with His approval. My Sir also presented me with a pair of earrings that serve as my day “collar.”

Sir and I then took a walk; He showed me around the camp grounds. I was particularly curious about the forest and the apparatuses that were spread throughout. St Andrews crosses, spanking benches, swings, a crucifix, a building with glory holes…my mind was racing with various thoughts and ideas. Bob and I talked about having our impact scene that night, so I would be zen and ready for the rest of the weekend…for various reasons, it had been since the beginning of April since we could have a full sadist/masochist impact session. After the tour, I relaxed with a glass of wine, while chatting to the others before we headed for that.

Sir and I had our scene in the play tent that’s available for everyone at camp. The cabaret show was just finishing so it was empty. I was strapped to a horse/spanking bench, and he went to work on me. I have to say, that’s my favourite apparatus thus far. It started with flogging and ended with me begging “yes please” to yet another strike of His leather strap again and again, until I broke down in much needed sobs. Needless to say we returned to the group sound the campfire relaxed.

The next day, Bob helped me with something I had asked for a few weeks earlier: to learn the basics of flogging. Lexxi agreed to be my willing “victim.” The three of us headed into the forest. With Lexxi strapped to a cross deep in the trees, our Sir guided me. He gave suggestions and thoughts, but ultimately let me enjoy hitting my sister sub with various implements. It’s not something I’d want to do often, but it was enjoyable and was an experience I was glad to have had.

The rest of the day, we pretty much spent in various degrees of nekkidness in and around the pool 😉

That evening Bob hosted the scotch and cigar social. Lexxi, myself, and two other of our friends agreed to be servers. We were all new to it, and I know I was nervous. Being the only one who watched the YouTube videos on how to cut and light cigars, I was volunteered to do that. I was terrified, but excited. I think I did pretty well. I don’t believe I faux pas’d with any of that, and I was proud (and honestly amazed) at how I controlled getting down and up with my shitty knees without groaning every time I cut a cigar.

On Sunday, later in the morning, Lexxi and I got to try porcupine quills from one of the amazing ladies we were camping with. Bob wanted to learn, so he was there paying rapt attention and learning how to utilize them. Lexxi went first, as she was a little apprehensive but wanted to see how they felt. I’m guessing she’ll touch on it when she writes her blog, but she didn’t shy away from it. Then it was my turn. It was interesting listening to Sir getting instruction on how to poke me with the quills, then amusing listening to the sub of the Domme showing Sir the quills how to be more masochistic with the experience. By the end, I orgasmed on the table and was readily saying I’d do that again.

After a short dip on the pool, and an awesome cob of corn, it was time for me to head home…

Processing stuff:

I loved the weekend, and knew immediately that I needed to try to come for longer next year. The group we were with was amazing and made me feel so included, though physical distance plus not being there as long honestly made me feel a little left out.

I loved being able to be Sir’s sub fully for the entire weekend, but I did struggle at times. It’s still a new and evolving dynamic. There were times I felt useless and at a loss, but knew it was nothing I did or could have done. I can’t complete with a 20+ year dynamic, so it’s more figuring out where I can fit in.

I really didn’t get to socialize with our friends there nearly enough. The group we were with are all awesome, and I totally want to get to know them all better. Plus I’d love to socialize more with the other campers. I live 5 hours away from Bob and Lexxi, but had met a bunch of their friends and acquaintances before, plus knew of a handful from my own city. Next time I want to take part in some of the group organized events.

I wish I had had my own scene in the forest. After walking in there, I had visions of Sir grabbing me by my hair and pretty much dragging to the forest to do whatever He pleased with me.

Not next year, but maybe a few years in the future, I’m intrigued by the consensual non-consent take down scenes. I’ve read a few write ups and they’ve piqued my interest. My main issue right now is that I really have no experience in that and to start I need it to be with a trusted partner. I couldn’t have someone I don’t know take me down (yet…?).

We so totally need shade in our camping area. Better yet, an air conditioned cabin..yeah, I know I’m dreaming, I did start this post off saying I’m not a camper lol!

Overall though, I had an amazing weekend. I fought hard not to totally crash on Tuesday and Wednesday. It’s so amazing and freeing to be able to be somewhere where you don’t have to hide anything. I fought hard enough that I actually went to a local casual event by myself. People who know me, know this was huge…

Until next year!