Fallen, but I will get back up again

A Facebook “on this day” post hit home this morning.  It was 6 years ago today that I signed up for a bootcamp class with the city. This bootcamp class was a catalyst in my life. It started the journey of me finally accepting and liking myself, and ultimately helped lead me to the courage needed in asking my husband about opening up our marriage.

After starting that class, over about a year and a half I lost 75 lbs.  In the years since I’ve put it all back on, but my mindset still remains.  I still accept myself. I still like myself. I can’t deny though, that I am very disappointed in myself with how far I’ve fallen health wise. Reasons why it happened are moot, I still let it happen.

I realized the bad patterns a few months ago and have been trying to do something about it, though I will admit the “trying” has been somewhat half-assed.  This needs to stop.  I need to do this for me, not for anyone else.  I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life and I know what works for me and what doesn’t.  Being followed up on doesn’t work as I feel like I’m being nagged.  Denying myself all the food doesn’t work as I will ultimately break and binge.  What works for me is portion control and getting up off my ass.  I just need to do it.

This time feels different than when I’ve said this to myself in the recent past.  This time I feel more determined.  I have a start date and I will stick to it.  I need to stop feeling so damned gross and disappointed in myself, and take back control of me.  Yes, I sure do like when my loves take control, but certain things I have to do for myself, like this. Their support in me is all I want. I need to be the best me so I can be my best for them, and be happy and fulfilled in myself and our lives.

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