Psychoanalyzing myself – Contact needs

Since I’ve started my journey of self discovery, my husband Gun has asked me a few times where this girl was back when we met.  My answer to him is that she was buried in my head.  A lot of what people see of me now was the “me” I saw in my head.  There are a few things that have changed though.  The biggest being that I’ve discovered I’m a kinky submissive.  Something on a smaller scale, but no less important are the changes I’ve found that I need in contact, both verbal and physical.

Growing up, I often had 2 close friends at any point in time, which I find interesting looking back at it.  It happened 4 different times in my childhood/adolescence.  I often felt like the third wheel, but not always, however this probably didn’t help my self confidence issues either.  Generally though I was a loner, and had been happy being so.  I’m an only child, and grew up extremely shy.  I was always more on the mature side, and preferred hanging out on my own or with adults, opposed to annoying squealing teenage girls.  I still like my own company and will very happily go about my day and will do chores or errands on my own.

But since I started uncovering me, I find myself feeling quite vulnerable at times and when I do, contact helps keep me stable, brings me back down from that perch.

I guess since the walls I had built up around me have been crumbling (which is a good thing), and my life and relationships are continually evolving, I haven’t really stood on continually solid footing for a while…the structure I’ve held on to so tightly all these years has shifted, and I’m still figuring out how to hold myself steady.  It’s probably why I’ve also found that I feel needier than before too… Way more than I like to feel. It annoys me to no end that I need something I cannot do myself.  Or need someone(s)…

I’m thinking this post will continue as I have more revelations…

I swear, I’ve used my Bachelor of Science in psychology more on myself in the past 4 years than I ever have since I graduated eons ago!

Orgasms

For years, decades even, I would tell my husband that I didn’t orgasm easily. What I didn’t know then is I had only talking about ONE type of orgasm, a clitoral orgasm. Up until the past few years when I started breaking down my interior walls and really beginning to understand myself, I thought that was the only type of orgasm that a woman could have.

Boy was I wrong!

Personally I’ve identified the following in myself:

  • Clitoral – this is the most widely known and accepted. It’s the most toe curling, squealing, all encompassing type of orgasm that I’ve experienced. It leaves me exhausted and breathing heavy. For me, I don’t have this type during the act of sex itself very often. When I do, 99% of the time I’m riding him. 
  • Internal – while having sex, there’s a couple of spots inside which feel amazing while being rubbed by a penis (or fingers, or a toy).  1) Not far inside my opening, along the top is one. I’m pretty sure this is my g-spot. I can have a slow rise and release, or if it’s stimulated steadily for a longer period of time, it builds more and seems to be when I can squirt. This orgasm combined with clitoral is the ultimate for me. 2) The other is my cervix or right near it. I love my cervix being hit, even when it’s hard and it hurts. If it’s done for long enough, I can have a release that’s somewhere between the slow internal and the full on gspot one.
  • Commanded – this one is newer for me, and honestly surprised me that I could actually do. When I hear “cum for me” or similar from specific people, I feel a tightening deep inside my lower belly. It tightens, then crests and releases. It’s not as intense as any of the other orgasms I’ve had, but it’s certainly no less effective in getting me soaking wet, and very turned on. I don’t find it much of a satisfying release on its own though, it actually serves to make me more aroused and squirmy. When it’s used in conjunction to being fucked, I find it absolutely amazing. Especially when I can feel an internal one getting close…and then if I’m told over and over…yeah, that’ll leave me shuddering uncontrollably.

It was only after I started opening myself up that I looked within to realize that clitoral orgasms weren’t the only type I was actually having. Once I embraced that concept, I opened so many doors to even better sex and connecting with my partners. 
I recommend all women (well, all people really) try to accept themselves, look within, learn and understand your bodies. I think only when you can do this, you can be truly open to experiences beyond your imaginations. 

Plus it’s fun to learn stuff like this about yourself  😄

*edit/addition*

  • I totally forgot to add one other type of orgasm I’ve had a few times recently, and that’s the one achieved through sensation or pain (for me anyway since I’m a bit of a masochist). It’s similar to the lighter internal one. My insides tense while the sensations build to a low cresting crescendo. 

That lost feeling…

I feel kind of hollow right now.  Lost.  Lonely.  It’s not uncommon for me to feel this way when my submissive side is in need, I think it’s kind of the start of the warning signs for that.  Then will come the yearning.  Then the bone deep ache.  When I feel like this social media, especially Fetlife, is incredibly difficult to look at.  It makes me see all that I cannot have… What would help make me feel free, instead of stifled.  The more that this side of me is touched upon and nurtured, the more the feeling of contentment between these needy times decreases exponentially.  I feel whole when she doesn’t have to stay buried.  

I need to somehow find a balance…

 

*After expressing these thoughts with my Sir, we have come up with a game plan of sorts.  Physical distance sure doesn’t help when I’m feeling like this.*

being a submissive

I was asked recently what I feel submission is at its base.  I know it’s more than kinky sex, though that sure can be an awesome part of it 😉  It’s not “giving up your life to a Dom”, and although it can entail that for some people, it sure doesn’t for me.  So I had to think, what is it?  What is submission to me? Continue reading