How may I be of service?

I saw a tweet on @TheKinkRealm tonight that was a prompt of sorts – “How may I be of service?” #subquotes #BDSM – is what it read (or see the header pic to this post). 

I had to take pause after reading that. 

It’s honestly something I think and feel every day, but I don’t ask. I guess I should, but really the answers I figure I’ll most likely get would have to deal with doing things on my own; reflection, meditating, that kind of thing. I do that in my own way often, it’s a way I stay sane with the distance and time issues I have in my BDSM relationships. So I haven’t asked. 

Is it worth asking? Really I guess there are no stupid questions, especially in those connections that you trust inherently. 

We’ll see…

Yes, my brain is working overtime again. 

Random late night D/s relationship type thoughts

I am not a “little” but there are aspects of the DD/lg (Daddy Dom/little girl) relationship that enthrall me. They mostly have to do with being taken care of.  

I’ve always been an independent woman who takes care of herself, but there are times when I’d just as much be ecstatic if someone took care of me a bit. I know I would struggle, but ultimately would love it. Take care of me, show me how to act properly for you, discipline me if I screw up. Show me you care about me, and us. I will give it my all to show you the same.

This thought was prompted by a picture I saw earlier tonight on twitter. It got my mind going in a direction that I hadn’t really thought of much before, but has continually been drawing me to some degree or another. 

Forbidden 2017

*Warning: one picture included below involves blood, it’s from consensual needle play.

This year I was able to book off the Friday and was on holidays the following week, so I could be there every day of Forbidden.

For those who don’t know, Forbidden is a yearly kinky camping event in southern Ontario at a gay men’s campground. They open their doors three times a year for us kinky and open minded folk, Forbidden being one of them. The camp ground is beautiful and well kept. There’s a salt water pool, a rec hall that they hold activities in, a food truck/cantina kind of thing if you don’t feel like camp food, a tent with donated play equipment, and a forest full of fun kinky equipment at our disposal. Us attendees also plan all sorts of activities for anyone to join in throughout the weekend. Continue reading

Tape won’t hold together cracks for too long 

It’s been a challenging few months in various aspects for me but I’ve been holding steady. It’s weird though; I’ve been in a mindset for the past few weeks to basically push everything aside and focus on my creativity. I’m still kinda there, but not. I have my moments where I feel so overwhelmed and needy, but I’ve found my footing and reigned it in and basically pushed it all down. 

This past weekend was a quad weekend, but it also kind of wasn’t. We were all together but my other best friend, her husband, and their daughter were also there, so we didn’t get the same swapped alone time that we usually do even when my kids are there with us. It was the first time in about 2 years that Bob and I didn’t get to do our D/s greeting ritual 😔  i honestly wouldn’t have changed the weekend if I could, but it was just so odd and unusual that I don’t think I really escaped the mindset I’ve been in, even with the extra day together. I’m not sure what to think of it, but honestly patience is still what’s needed the most, so I’m not putting a lot of thought into it right now.

It’s where the “I don’t give a shit” attitude I’ve had for quite a while now just doesn’t help. That and when I get home from work, I’m totally thinking “fuck it” to pretty much everything.

I’m not feeling submissive these days. I recognized my yearning for a sound beating back a month or two ago, but that’s almost gone dormant. I know it’s there, but I just feel like I’m on autopilot through pretty well everything lately. I don’t feel much, I don’t engage, I just exist… I hate it, but don’t know how to find my way out of it without cracking somewhere. 

Trying to figure my shit out

I’ve been so down on myself about my weight recently, but also have been having such a hard time keeping balanced overall. I don’t get stressed easily, but I’ve realized that I’ve fallen back to some old coping strategies (namely food) and added others (namely wine), plus jumped into my creativity, to help balance. 

What stress?

My kitten got neutered today. Thankfully, he’s been doing well though. A little slower than his usual self,  but he’s been playful enough to know he’ll be fine. 

Gun and I have been okay, he’s had a somewhat better time at work since he’s been so busy.  It’s good for him, but he’s exhausted at the end of the day, so crashes when we get to bed…quality time has been something we’re trying to fit it in, but it hasn’t been easy. 

Bob/Sir has been awesome but our time is so few and far between since March that I’ve been missing him, our connection, and getting a sound fucking beating for a while now. I’m missing it so much that I’m beyond aching. That side of me is somewhat numb actually. The fact we won’t be able to connect like that until August doesn’t help. It’s like a side of me that’s come to represent so much of my being has gone dormant. I’ve been communicating this with Bob and he’s been great with understanding and doing what he can. The thing is, at a distance there’s only so much anyone can do (have I said before how I really don’t understand online-only relationships?!? To each their own, but in-person connection is imperative for me), but we try.

Erik has just come off a super busy month and a half for himself work wise, just to jump into his wife Mia up for a local council chair which has him running all over the place constantly. We got to spend a few hours together last Saturday which was fantastic. I keep hearing that this summer will be different than last, but honestly the side of myself that’s gone into protective mode since then is really cautious.

Work still sucks ass and has me frustrated, and no calls or emails on jobs at all. 

Needless to say, I’ve been hyper focused on my creative outlets (jewelry making – chainmaille and now wire wrapping too) and churning out products like crazy. I totally LOVE it and would love to do that full time, or even part time with a nominal part time job. Almost anywhere out of where I am. 

Anyway…I’ve been trying…ish. 

Masochistic, pain slut thoughts…

Sometimes I think I’m weird. How can someone possibly like pain? Want pain. Crave it. Absolutely need it at times. Well, certain pain anyway. I hate the stabbing pain in my knee I get occasionally when I walk up or down stairs, but whip my ass with a leather strap? Umf…fuck yes. No thanks to the clicking stiffness I get in my shoulder and neck, but scratching up and down my body will make me shiver and moan out loud. Continue reading