Tape won’t hold together cracks for too longĀ 

It’s been a challenging few months in various aspects for me but I’ve been holding steady. It’s weird though; I’ve been in a mindset for the past few weeks to basically push everything aside and focus on my creativity. I’m still kinda there, but not. I have my moments where I feel so overwhelmed and needy, but I’ve found my footing and reigned it in and basically pushed it all down. 

This past weekend was a quad weekend, but it also kind of wasn’t. We were all together but my other best friend, her husband, and their daughter were also there, so we didn’t get the same swapped alone time that we usually do even when my kids are there with us. It was the first time in about 2 years that Bob and I didn’t get to do our D/s greeting ritual šŸ˜”  i honestly wouldn’t have changed the weekend if I could, but it was just so odd and unusual that I don’t think I really escaped the mindset I’ve been in, even with the extra day together. I’m not sure what to think of it, but honestly patience is still what’s needed the most, so I’m not putting a lot of thought into it right now.

It’s where the “I don’t give a shit” attitude I’ve had for quite a while now just doesn’t help. That and when I get home from work, I’m totally thinking “fuck it” to pretty much everything.

I’m not feeling submissive these days. I recognized my yearning for a sound beating back a month or two ago, but that’s almost gone dormant. I know it’s there, but I just feel like I’m on autopilot through pretty well everything lately. I don’t feel much, I don’t engage, I just exist… I hate it, but don’t know how to find my way out of it without cracking somewhere. 

Trying to figure my shit out

I’ve been so down on myself about my weight recently, but also have been having such a hard time keeping balanced overall. I don’t get stressed easily, but I’ve realized that I’ve fallen back to some old coping strategies (namely food) and added others (namely wine), plus jumped into my creativity, to help balance. 

What stress?

My kitten got neutered today. Thankfully, he’s been doing well though. A little slower than his usual self,  but he’s been playful enough to know he’ll be fine. 

Gun and I have been okay, he’s had a somewhat better time at work since he’s been so busy.  It’s good for him, but he’s exhausted at the end of the day, so crashes when we get to bed…quality time has been something we’re trying to fit it in, but it hasn’t been easy. 

Bob/Sir has been awesome but our time is so few and far between since March that Iā€™ve been missing him, our connection, and getting a sound fucking beating for a while now. I’m missing it so much that I’m beyond aching. That side of me is somewhat numb actually. The fact we won’t be able to connect like that until August doesn’t help. It’s like a side of me that’s come to represent so much of my being has gone dormant. I’ve been communicating this with Bob and he’s been great with understanding and doing what he can. The thing is, at a distance there’s only so much anyone can do (have I said before how I really don’t understand online-only relationships?!? To each their own, but in-person connection is imperative for me), but we try.

Erik has just come off a super busy month and a half for himself work wise, just to jump into his wife Mia up for a local council chair which has him running all over the place constantly. We got to spend a few hours together last Saturday which was fantastic. I keep hearing that this summer will be different than last, but honestly the side of myself that’s gone into protective mode since then is really cautious.

Work still sucks ass and has me frustrated, and no calls or emails on jobs at all. 

Needless to say, I’ve been hyper focused on my creative outlets (jewelry making – chainmaille and now wire wrapping too) and churning out products like crazy. I totally LOVE it and would love to do that full time, or even part time with a nominal part time job. Almost anywhere out of where I am. 

Anyway…I’ve been trying…ish. 

Masochistic, pain slut thoughts…

Sometimes I think I’m weird. How can someone possibly like pain? Want pain. Crave it. Absolutely need it at times. Well, certain pain anyway. I hate the stabbing pain in my knee I get occasionally when I walk up or down stairs, but whip my ass with a leather strap? Umf…fuck yes. No thanks to the clicking stiffness I get in my shoulder and neck, but scratching up and down my body will make me shiver and moan out loud. Continue reading

Subspace processingĀ 

This past weekend was supposed to be a quad weekend, but it ended up being just me heading to see Bob and Lexxi since Gun had to work late Thursday and Friday nights. It really sucked that he wasn’t there, but sometimes things can’t be helped. I was glad I got to go though, there have been some things happening with Bob lately that I’m processing, so being able to see and talk to him in person helped so much. It’s all positive, but it’s still a change and I’m working through it.Ā  Continue reading

Self discovery thoughts on a Friday afternoon

Have you ever learned something about yourself you almost wished you hadn’t? Part of me has wondered about that lately. I look back at myself 5 years ago, and see a girl who was living locked up; I had such thick and high walls surrounding me…which doesn’t sound great, but since those walls startedĀ crumbling, now I find that I just feel so much. I can’t stuff things down like I used to be able to and it can make things difficult, but I guess is a good thing overall. But with these self discoveries, I’ve also had times where I’ve felt more inherently me, naturally whole, and it’s been truly incredible. I just find that I have a hard time in between those moments, or when those moments are few and far between. Continue reading