Life, the universe, and everything

Here I sit, with a couple of hours left being 41, thinking of the past year in my life. 

It started off amazing on so many levels. Health, love, a couple of proposals of sorts, and fun. Unfortunately a few things started to skew within a few months. On the good side, I accepted a collar, went camping, made new friends, and nurtured some loves. On the bad side, a part of a relationship was dropped without discussion and the subsequent silence confused me greatly. 

I’m also at war internally. I’ve let myself fall back into some old unhealthy habits and over the past couple of years have regained most of the 75lbs I worked so hard to lose. That in itself has been a not-good mind fuck on me. Add in feeling not good enough in so many regards, it compounded…even with the good I have in my life, I’m still quite unbalanced, though I’m recognizing it and am trying to fight for myself. 

What will age 42 bring me? The top of my list of requests is a new job. I know that’s an underlying shit storm and that string is about to break after so many years of  being truly unappreciated. 

Beyond that…I dunno. I’ve learned so much about myself as a submissive over the past 12 months (that’s the side of me I really didn’t know before), that in ways I feel like a different person. I know what I need to thrive better, and that it isn’t an easy side of myself. She’s needy, and those who really want to embrace her can’t take her lightly. 

Will this year be the answer to things for me? Only time will tell… 

Career life musings during the few last days of being 41…

‪If I were to have my dream job, it’d be something creative. Chainmaille/jewelry making and/or the window painting I love to do would be the ultimate. How can I do these as a full time job? How can I get there? I *hate* sales; I seriously suck at it.‬ custom made service is easy; I’m polite and hate to put anyone out. Actually going out of my and asking them to buy stuff?  Yeah no, not me. I tried it with Tupperware after my oldest was born, but I lasted as long as my Aunt’s had shoes for me. 

‪As I sit here at my “for a living” job, I know I need more. I’ve had various administration jobs for the past 21(eek!!!) years. I really I don’t mind the work, but who you work for means a lot in this type of position. My boss is a tool. A selfish witch who truly doesn’t appreciate what I do for her. I need out of here, but I don’t know where to go. Admin jobs like this are in high competition in the area I live, and I’d rather not commute for 1++ hours if I really don’t have to. I’m trying. I’m applying for various jobs I see or get sent (as everyone I care for knows I’m fed up and am looking.)

I’ve been doing some soul searching of various sorts lately, and the job front has been a biggie…

*sigh* 😔

Overlooked for so long

When your eyes gaze into mine, I can tell that you truly see me. Your love and acceptance helps wipe away decades of being overlooked.

And I was overlooked.  I don’t think anyone actually saw me while I was in high school or even middle school, but that was kind of the way I wanted it.  Or it was at least the way I thought I wanted it.  I was independent and was content on my own.  I liked my own company, I had my cat, my creative outlets, and I was fine wrapped up in my shell.  Looking back I so desperately wanted attention, to be seen and loved.  Though it’s not like my home life sucked, it was fine.  My parents were great and I was able to do pretty much whatever I wanted.  I was a shy only child who had no confidence in herself, and disliked talking on the phone (I still don’t care for it lol).  I sucked at small talk, and whenever I was in a group of people I didn’t say anything unless I had something specific to relay.  For the most part I spent my teenage years in my bedroom if I wasn’t at school or at my part time job.  I was smart and knew too much about some things, but was way too naive about others.

Meeting people online was just starting to come about when I met my hubby.  I found I could chat behind a computer so much easier than over the phone or in person.  It wasn’t until Gun and I opened our marriage that I fully realized this.  People started talking to me, and I found it easier to talk to them but even then, it can be easy to hide or re-imagine yourself. I am a genuine version of myself when behind a keyboard, but you never know who else is. I rather quickly found out that a connection you might have online with someone doesn’t necessarily transfer over to the same sort of connection in real life.

It’s taken years, but I know now what it’s like to truly be seen.  To have someone actively want to uncover parts within you, and to help find the person who’s there but has been locked away her whole life.  To see a being emerging in front of them and to love them.  To help them fly.  It’s humbling.

The shy, insecure girl I used to be is still there.  She pokes and prods me sometimes with her doubt.  It’s hard not to listen when she was the voice inside my head for 36 years.  But I’m trying…

After vacay thoughts and feelings

We had such a fantastic week in Disney, the quad plus Gun’s and my kids. We stayed at the Animal Kingdom “time share” that Bob and Lexxi have. The place was amazing. We spent 8 days relaxing and wandering the 4 parks and shopping at Disney Springs. Because the kids were there, we had to be careful with the 4 of us. We were able to swap bedrooms 2 of the nights while there and one when back at our house, but because of sleep schedules and not wanting to risk more than we had to, that was it. We came home exhausted but on a high. The exhaustion was mostly because our flight back in landed just before 1:30am, then we had an hour drive home after getting our luggage. 

Back at work, I started to feel off. I blamed it on a combination of PMS and drop. I generally don’t get depressed or anxious, at least not for any prolonged or in-depth periods of time, but I do find I get into somewhat self-deprecating moods. I don’t give a shit about what food or drink I put into my body, or what I do (or more don’t do) exercise wise. I know I shouldn’t get like this, but I do, and I was in full force last week, after our holidays.

My “off-mess” since then has mostly subsided, but it’s recently started to be replaced by a feeling I know all too well: submissive longing. Even though I just saw Bob for the better part of 10 days during our vacation, I had to suppress a lot of my submissive side the entire week. Yes, I did what I could whenever I could, it’s probably one reason I felt the need to handle the meal prep and clean up. I hate that shit with a passion, but it’s a way to serve my loved ones. Though I know I need to learn to either ask for help or not jump so quickly as I had a small breakdown one evening, and it sprung itself upon me at one of the worst times; during a very full bus ride back to our unit from Magic Kingdom. Thankfully my kids were hidden behind people standing in front of me, and that Lexxi saw what was going on with me. She and Bob switched seats so he could give me some comfort then. 

It’s been a month and a half since I could really steep myself in my submission though. I’ve had some instances since then, but they were limited: Bob and I got to finally do our “greeting” ritual on our last night together after we got back home, and I’ve had a couple of tastes when with Erik but that’s more our connection than anything “formal”, so really it hasn’t been anything that has completely fulfilled me for any length of time. It’s one of the things I have the most difficulty with honestly. I’ve figured out a lot about myself the last couple of years, but it definitely tests my patience. Especially when it surrounds a lot of my social media accounts. I guess that’s also why I don’t go on in-depth on a couple of them much anymore, and I’ve taken a lot of notifications off of people’s accounts…I look when I feel ready to. 

Ultimately I’m wanting to really let go. I’m wanting to fly. I’m starting to get to that point where I need pain. I’m also feeling the gut wrenching need to be torn wide open and rebuilt again. 

Patience girl…patience…