A weekend away, and some self-reflection

This past weekend Erik and I went away to a hotel not too far away and spent a couple of days and nights together. It’s been three years since we met and started dating, and it was also the first time we’ve been able to spend that amount of time together.

It was an amazing, relaxing, fun, connective weekend. I enjoyed every moment we had together, but by the time I got home, I found myself fighting my emotions and holding on by a thread.

Why was this?

I was confounded at first with what my emotions were bringing up in me. I didn’t lack with cuddles, kisses, or random touches all weekend. Other than not wanting our time together to end (nothing new there), what had me so riled up?

I realized that I put myself out there in ways I haven’t in a long time. I was nervous and scared, but I did it. I was glad I did, and I think Erik appreciated it too, though some of what was bothering me was the way I perceived a few of his reactions.

What stands out the most is that it showed me how uncomfortable I’ve become in my own skin. The inner me knows what she wants and needs now more than ever, but I’m not happy with the outer me.

Erik gave me a cute, flowery, sheer nightie the first night we were away. From the searing looks Erik was giving me while wearing it, he seemed to like it quite a lot, but I honestly couldn’t stand to look at parts of me in it. It wasn’t *my* body, or at least not the one I had finally grown to accept and like in the recent-ish past.

I had lost 75lbs a few years ago, but over the last while, I’ve put it all back on. I’m the most disappointed in myself for the last year specifically. The coping mechanisms I’ve used for dealing with things in my life weren’t ideal and as a result I don’t recognize me anymore. Those things I had trouble coping with have started to straighten out some, but I’m now here… feeling like the overweight unhealthy person I was over 6 years ago.

I think a lot of my reactions were based in that. I’d put myself out there. Insecure, gross feeling me…

Erik and I talked some last night. While the rational part of my head knew I was on the wrong track, it did help some to get confirmation that was the case. .

I’m still feeling off though. I think me trying to take back control of my health should help. It’ll be an uphill battle, but I’ve done it successfully before. Dammit, I can do it again.

<This is the living area of the suite we stayed in. The featured pic is the view.>

#30DaysofKink – Days 26 to 30

Day 26: What is your opinion on online BDSM play?

Online only is not for me, I need to be able to see my Dom in person sometimes, I need the physical connection.  If it works in a healthy way for other people, then more power to them. I just couldn’t.  I’ve also found that my submissive side connects and is engaged more when in person than when not. So, for online only, I’d never be able to fully get that, so it would be unfulfilling for me. Continue reading

#30DaysofKink – Day 18 and 19

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?  If so, what are they?

Maybe it’s because I haven’t been into kink/BDSM for that long, but I don’t have many pet peeves that automatically come to mind. I’ve been more focused on figuring myself out, and where I fit within it all to really worry about what others may think. Here are the couple I did think of: Continue reading

#30DaysofKink – Day 1

This past summer a few of the blogs I follow had done the 30 Days of Kink challenge – http://www.insatiabledesire.com/2010/08/09/thirty-days-of-kink/ and I noted it down to complete at some point.  I was in a state of early self discovery in my submission back then, so I really didn’t feel it was the best time to answer some of the questions, as I had no idea where to begin.  A friend of mine just started doing this, so I decided to do it as well since I’m feeling more stable about myself these days.  I’ve also since been tasked to do it.  I won’t guarantee I’ll be posting these daily, but expect them at least twice a week until finished.  Enjoy, and feel free to complete it yourself, if you want to and haven’t already. Continue reading

Psychoanalyzing myself – Contact needs

Since I’ve started my journey of self discovery, my husband Gun has asked me a few times where this girl was back when we met.  My answer to him is that she was buried in my head.  A lot of what people see of me now was the “me” I saw in my head.  There are a few things that have changed though.  The biggest being that I’ve discovered I’m a kinky submissive.  Something on a smaller scale, but no less important are the changes I’ve found that I need in contact, both verbal and physical.

Growing up, I often had 2 close friends at any point in time, which I find interesting looking back at it.  It happened 4 different times in my childhood/adolescence.  I often felt like the third wheel, but not always, however this probably didn’t help my self confidence issues either.  Generally though I was a loner, and had been happy being so.  I’m an only child, and grew up extremely shy.  I was always more on the mature side, and preferred hanging out on my own or with adults, opposed to annoying squealing teenage girls.  I still like my own company and will very happily go about my day and will do chores or errands on my own.

But since I started uncovering me, I find myself feeling quite vulnerable at times and when I do, contact helps keep me stable, brings me back down from that perch.

I guess since the walls I had built up around me have been crumbling (which is a good thing), and my life and relationships are continually evolving, I haven’t really stood on continually solid footing for a while…the structure I’ve held on to so tightly all these years has shifted, and I’m still figuring out how to hold myself steady.  It’s probably why I’ve also found that I feel needier than before too… Way more than I like to feel. It annoys me to no end that I need something I cannot do myself.  Or need someone(s)…

I’m thinking this post will continue as I have more revelations…

I swear, I’ve used my Bachelor of Science in psychology more on myself in the past 4 years than I ever have since I graduated eons ago!

Orgasms

For years, decades even, I would tell my husband that I didn’t orgasm easily. What I didn’t know then is I had only talking about ONE type of orgasm, a clitoral orgasm. Up until the past few years when I started breaking down my interior walls and really beginning to understand myself, I thought that was the only type of orgasm that a woman could have.

Boy was I wrong!

Personally I’ve identified the following in myself:

  • Clitoral – this is the most widely known and accepted. It’s the most toe curling, squealing, all encompassing type of orgasm that I’ve experienced. It leaves me exhausted and breathing heavy. For me, I don’t have this type during the act of sex itself very often. When I do, 99% of the time I’m riding him. 
  • Internal – while having sex, there’s a couple of spots inside which feel amazing while being rubbed by a penis (or fingers, or a toy).  1) Not far inside my opening, along the top is one. I’m pretty sure this is my g-spot. I can have a slow rise and release, or if it’s stimulated steadily for a longer period of time, it builds more and seems to be when I can squirt. This orgasm combined with clitoral is the ultimate for me. 2) The other is my cervix or right near it. I love my cervix being hit, even when it’s hard and it hurts. If it’s done for long enough, I can have a release that’s somewhere between the slow internal and the full on gspot one.
  • Commanded – this one is newer for me, and honestly surprised me that I could actually do. When I hear “cum for me” or similar from specific people, I feel a tightening deep inside my lower belly. It tightens, then crests and releases. It’s not as intense as any of the other orgasms I’ve had, but it’s certainly no less effective in getting me soaking wet, and very turned on. I don’t find it much of a satisfying release on its own though, it actually serves to make me more aroused and squirmy. When it’s used in conjunction to being fucked, I find it absolutely amazing. Especially when I can feel an internal one getting close…and then if I’m told over and over…yeah, that’ll leave me shuddering uncontrollably.

It was only after I started opening myself up that I looked within to realize that clitoral orgasms weren’t the only type I was actually having. Once I embraced that concept, I opened so many doors to even better sex and connecting with my partners. 
I recommend all women (well, all people really) try to accept themselves, look within, learn and understand your bodies. I think only when you can do this, you can be truly open to experiences beyond your imaginations. 

Plus it’s fun to learn stuff like this about yourself  😄

*edit/addition*

  • I totally forgot to add one other type of orgasm I’ve had a few times recently, and that’s the one achieved through sensation or pain (for me anyway since I’m a bit of a masochist). It’s similar to the lighter internal one. My insides tense while the sensations build to a low cresting crescendo. 

Wants and Needs

A couple of theories were brought forth to me recently, that I’m bratty because I haven’t been disciplined properly. That’s possible, although I have always been sarcastic by nature so I believe that’s where a lot of my inner brat resides, and honestly that part ain’t gonna change. Also, that some of my needs aren’t being met. When I heard those words from Erik, it was like an arrow to my soul. A wave of realization and understanding enveloped me, emotion bubbled up fast. I felt tears sting my eyes, and had to breathe deeply to try to keep them in check. I did a shitty job of that, but was able to keep myself from bawling.

A thread on bratty behavior was posted in a BDSM group I’m in on Facebook. A couple of the girls replies reiterated my feelings (see pic).

  
Yes, I guess I do feel like some of my needs aren’t being met. Gun sure does a great job at a lot of them, but there are others that he knows he can’t touch. The thing is, I don’t fully know what those needs are, or maybe I’m just not sure how to put them into words yet. 

Bob has mentioned to me that he is wanting to read up on long distance subs, as it’s not something he’s had to deal with before. Unfortunately, with us being 500km/5 hours apart, it’s necessary. He’s amazing at doing what he can from the distance, but we’re working on bettering that.  While Erik and I have said that exploring D/s on the table, nothing has officially been discussed as of yet. I could never go looking elsewhere for that type of relationship. Believe me, I thought long and hard about it last summer. The conclusion I came to then is strengthened even more now that I have started to truly uncover that side of myself. I need an emotional and friendship connection established before I could really trust a Dom. There are just too many weirdos out there, especially if they hear you may be looking for a Dom. 

As I told Erik, I believe what I want is within grasp, but there are things that are still working their way into place. 

To clarify – I am not a brat to gain attention, or to be rude. I’m just naturally a strong and independent woman who questions, and has a dry, sarcastic sense of humour. I don’t want that to change, and I don’t think it could. It’s who I am, take it or leave it.