I’m not usually someone who gets stressed easily, I can take things in stride with little long term effect. Lately though, there have been some stressors that have been hanging in there for months, and it’s really been getting to me the last while.
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*reblog* Wishes and Wants

Yes, please… 😍
This blogger describes a scenario that has played out in my head as something I want to experience.


I want to be on my knees before you.

I want you to grab my chin and tilt my head for a kiss.

I want to be bound any way you desire for your use.

I want to follow your instructions to a T.

I want you to spank me, flog me, whip me, cane me.

I want to writhe and cry out.  Shudder and moan.

I want to be open and displayed for you.

I want to feel helpless and vulnerable.

I want to feel you inside me, taking me, in any and every hole you desire.

I want to feel like I can’t take anymore and then…take more.

I want to hear a whispered “good girl” in my ear.

I want to obey and submit. Again and again.  Until I am exhausted and cannot speak.

I want to kneel at your feet and lay my head in your…

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Who am I?

I know who I am at my core, but I’m discovering that there are many facets of myself that haven’t been fully uncovered yet. 

It can physically hurt to be so close, but have them unreachable as of yet. 

I’m my own walking conundrum…I’m so fulfilled, yet stumped and at a loss. 

Just a short entry today

I don’t stress easily, but have been feeling kind of stressed a lot lately. 

I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with a few people. I feel close to each of them, but feel a distance as well. It’s hard to describe….

Scheduling can be a bitch, I just never seem to get enough quality time with my loved ones (minus Gun, but then again I live with him), and I think that the lack of time is somewhat contributing to it all.  Both mental and physical connecting are very important to me. 

All I know is that I’ve basically been on the verge of tears for the past few weeks. Just so frustrated…

What level of sub am I?

I was given this website: to take a look at, and try to see where I fall in the listed 9 levels of submission.

I would say I’m more of a 6 currently, but am looking at exploring more the direction of 7. 

9 will never be me, as I couldn’t just blindly give up my entire life and not question at all. 

There are aspects of 8 that intrigue me (few limits, pleasing the Dom, feeling like a prized possession – however I believe all of those can be felt at the level of 7 as well) but a couple of major points that make me doubt I ever would get to this level. First off, I don’t have a live-in Dom, so can’t be a live-in sub (duh). The other thing that stands out is that I couldn’t exist for just one person, and honestly don’t want to. I’m poly and have kids, it’s just not possible. Yes, when I’m with my Dom, especially if currently in that mindset, he would be forefront in my mind, but I respect my husband and other loved ones, I care about them and want to please in my own way as well. 

I’m still finding this aspect of myself, but it is interesting to reflect upon some ideas of where I am, where I’m looking to, and could potentially become. Either way, I’ll find what’s right for me. 

Wants and Needs

A couple of theories were brought forth to me recently, that I’m bratty because I haven’t been disciplined properly. That’s possible, although I have always been sarcastic by nature so I believe that’s where a lot of my inner brat resides, and honestly that part ain’t gonna change. Also, that some of my needs aren’t being met. When I heard those words from Erik, it was like an arrow to my soul. A wave of realization and understanding enveloped me, emotion bubbled up fast. I felt tears sting my eyes, and had to breathe deeply to try to keep them in check. I did a shitty job of that, but was able to keep myself from bawling.

A thread on bratty behavior was posted in a BDSM group I’m in on Facebook. A couple of the girls replies reiterated my feelings (see pic).

Yes, I guess I do feel like some of my needs aren’t being met. Gun sure does a great job at a lot of them, but there are others that he knows he can’t touch. The thing is, I don’t fully know what those needs are, or maybe I’m just not sure how to put them into words yet. 

Bob has mentioned to me that he is wanting to read up on long distance subs, as it’s not something he’s had to deal with before. Unfortunately, with us being 500km/5 hours apart, it’s necessary. He’s amazing at doing what he can from the distance, but we’re working on bettering that.  While Erik and I have said that exploring D/s on the table, nothing has officially been discussed as of yet. I could never go looking elsewhere for that type of relationship. Believe me, I thought long and hard about it last summer. The conclusion I came to then is strengthened even more now that I have started to truly uncover that side of myself. I need an emotional and friendship connection established before I could really trust a Dom. There are just too many weirdos out there, especially if they hear you may be looking for a Dom. 

As I told Erik, I believe what I want is within grasp, but there are things that are still working their way into place. 

To clarify – I am not a brat to gain attention, or to be rude. I’m just naturally a strong and independent woman who questions, and has a dry, sarcastic sense of humour. I don’t want that to change, and I don’t think it could. It’s who I am, take it or leave it.