Psychoanalyzing myself – Contact needs

Since I’ve started my journey of self discovery, my husband Gun has asked me a few times where this girl was back when we met.  My answer to him is that she was buried in my head.  A lot of what people see of me now was the “me” I saw in my head.  There are a few things that have changed though.  The biggest being that I’ve discovered I’m a kinky submissive.  Something on a smaller scale, but no less important are the changes I’ve found that I need in contact, both verbal and physical.

Growing up, I often had 2 close friends at any point in time, which I find interesting looking back at it.  It happened 4 different times in my childhood/adolescence.  I often felt like the third wheel, but not always, however this probably didn’t help my self confidence issues either.  Generally though I was a loner, and had been happy being so.  I’m an only child, and grew up extremely shy.  I was always more on the mature side, and preferred hanging out on my own or with adults, opposed to annoying squealing teenage girls.  I still like my own company and will very happily go about my day and will do chores or errands on my own.

But since I started uncovering me, I find myself feeling quite vulnerable at times and when I do, contact helps keep me stable, brings me back down from that perch.

I guess since the walls I had built up around me have been crumbling (which is a good thing), and my life and relationships are continually evolving, I haven’t really stood on continually solid footing for a while…the structure I’ve held on to so tightly all these years has shifted, and I’m still figuring out how to hold myself steady.  It’s probably why I’ve also found that I feel needier than before too… Way more than I like to feel. It annoys me to no end that I need something I cannot do myself.  Or need someone(s)…

I’m thinking this post will continue as I have more revelations…

I swear, I’ve used my Bachelor of Science in psychology more on myself in the past 4 years than I ever have since I graduated eons ago!

Not all women swingers are bi

It seems that a lot, if not most couples get into swinging because the wife is curious to play with other women. It wasn’t so for us. I wanted to play with other cock, and was fine with my hubby playing with other pussy. One thing I learned very early when Gun & I decided to try swinging was to clarify that I was not looking for girl-girl play. We essentially scared away the first couple we met face to face because that didn’t come up in conversation before hand (they were newbies too, also figuring out what they wanted and how to get it).
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How we opened up and beyond

I’m guessing if you’ve found this blog you’ve actually read my twitter bio, as I’m not promoting this anywhere (or hadn’t for a while). I’m not writing this for attention, but I just wanted some place to write down my thoughts. For those who are observant, I thought I’d give a rundown of how we got into non-monogamy and how we’ve settled into it since.

I was a very innocent and shy 20yr old when I met my hubby. From when we first got together he said if I wanted to explore outside of him, we could talk about it, & I could. Well, it wasn’t for another 16yrs that I would get the confidence and guts to bring it up. I’ve never been a small girl, but had let myself go a lot since getting married and having kids. The summer I was 36, I had an awakening and started to do something about it.  About a month later, I signed up for a free dating website and started chatting with a few guys.  After talking in depth with my hubby, we decided to let me explore (I in turn, told him he could go have fun too), and we opened our marriage.
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