Tape won’t hold together cracks for too long 

It’s been a challenging few months in various aspects for me but I’ve been holding steady. It’s weird though; I’ve been in a mindset for the past few weeks to basically push everything aside and focus on my creativity. I’m still kinda there, but not. I have my moments where I feel so overwhelmed and needy, but I’ve found my footing and reigned it in and basically pushed it all down. 

This past weekend was a quad weekend, but it also kind of wasn’t. We were all together but my other best friend, her husband, and their daughter were also there, so we didn’t get the same swapped alone time that we usually do even when my kids are there with us. It was the first time in about 2 years that Bob and I didn’t get to do our D/s greeting ritual 😔  i honestly wouldn’t have changed the weekend if I could, but it was just so odd and unusual that I don’t think I really escaped the mindset I’ve been in, even with the extra day together. I’m not sure what to think of it, but honestly patience is still what’s needed the most, so I’m not putting a lot of thought into it right now.

It’s where the “I don’t give a shit” attitude I’ve had for quite a while now just doesn’t help. That and when I get home from work, I’m totally thinking “fuck it” to pretty much everything.

I’m not feeling submissive these days. I recognized my yearning for a sound beating back a month or two ago, but that’s almost gone dormant. I know it’s there, but I just feel like I’m on autopilot through pretty well everything lately. I don’t feel much, I don’t engage, I just exist… I hate it, but don’t know how to find my way out of it without cracking somewhere. 

After vacay thoughts and feelings

We had such a fantastic week in Disney, the quad plus Gun’s and my kids. We stayed at the Animal Kingdom “time share” that Bob and Lexxi have. The place was amazing. We spent 8 days relaxing and wandering the 4 parks and shopping at Disney Springs. Because the kids were there, we had to be careful with the 4 of us. We were able to swap bedrooms 2 of the nights while there and one when back at our house, but because of sleep schedules and not wanting to risk more than we had to, that was it. We came home exhausted but on a high. The exhaustion was mostly because our flight back in landed just before 1:30am, then we had an hour drive home after getting our luggage. 

Back at work, I started to feel off. I blamed it on a combination of PMS and drop. I generally don’t get depressed or anxious, at least not for any prolonged or in-depth periods of time, but I do find I get into somewhat self-deprecating moods. I don’t give a shit about what food or drink I put into my body, or what I do (or more don’t do) exercise wise. I know I shouldn’t get like this, but I do, and I was in full force last week, after our holidays.

My “off-mess” since then has mostly subsided, but it’s recently started to be replaced by a feeling I know all too well: submissive longing. Even though I just saw Bob for the better part of 10 days during our vacation, I had to suppress a lot of my submissive side the entire week. Yes, I did what I could whenever I could, it’s probably one reason I felt the need to handle the meal prep and clean up. I hate that shit with a passion, but it’s a way to serve my loved ones. Though I know I need to learn to either ask for help or not jump so quickly as I had a small breakdown one evening, and it sprung itself upon me at one of the worst times; during a very full bus ride back to our unit from Magic Kingdom. Thankfully my kids were hidden behind people standing in front of me, and that Lexxi saw what was going on with me. She and Bob switched seats so he could give me some comfort then. 

It’s been a month and a half since I could really steep myself in my submission though. I’ve had some instances since then, but they were limited: Bob and I got to finally do our “greeting” ritual on our last night together after we got back home, and I’ve had a couple of tastes when with Erik but that’s more our connection than anything “formal”, so really it hasn’t been anything that has completely fulfilled me for any length of time. It’s one of the things I have the most difficulty with honestly. I’ve figured out a lot about myself the last couple of years, but it definitely tests my patience. Especially when it surrounds a lot of my social media accounts. I guess that’s also why I don’t go on in-depth on a couple of them much anymore, and I’ve taken a lot of notifications off of people’s accounts…I look when I feel ready to. 

Ultimately I’m wanting to really let go. I’m wanting to fly. I’m starting to get to that point where I need pain. I’m also feeling the gut wrenching need to be torn wide open and rebuilt again. 

Patience girl…patience…


Subdrop:The temporary depression experienced by submissives/masochists after intense BDSM play. (Source: Urban Dictionary)

I do believe that drop isn’t just a thing for subs, masochists, Doms, or even have to include BDSM play. I think anyone can get it. Con Drop is something that people who’ve been to “lifestyle” conferences regularly talk about.

In my opinion and experiences I tend to feel a drop of some sort after an encounter where energy has been exchanged, and positive connections have occurred.  Continue reading

Three Years and Counting!

The end of last month, January 26th to be exact, was the 3 year anniversary from when our Quad met.  I’ve explained it in a much earlier blog of mine, but here’s a quick refresher; we’d all been chatting on Twitter for a few months, along with some other couples, and a few of us decided to go to a meet and greet weekend at a hotel in Niagara Falls.  There were 6 couples that went.  Gun and I clicked right away with Bob and Lexxi and we ended up talking most of the day and evening, and hooked up that night.  From then we made monthly-ish visits to each others houses and after a few months we all noticed that our feelings had been deepening to something beyond friendship. Continue reading

Halloween weekend thoughts

I’m a little delayed on this, but haven’t had a whole lot of time to write lately.  My last post was a short one I wrote the day that Lilly, Gun’s girlfriend from the States, was on her way over for the weekend.  I have to say, the weekend went fantastic, and I for one, had a great time.

Lilly’s plane was delayed a little, so it was later than planned when she and Gun got back to the house.  We shared a drink and caught up a little bit.  I left Gun and Lilly to sleep in the basement, and took our 2 dogs upstairs to sleep with me.  It was a bit of a test for Gun’s dog since if he’s home, he’s always sleeping near Gun.  Well, there’s a reason why…the big black furry oaf of ours whined half the night, so needless to say I didn’t sleep all that great.  Also needless to say that when Gun is home, his dog will be sleeping in the same room/on the same floor as him lol.

Gun took Friday off, so he and Lilly were able to spend some quality time together while I was at work, and our kids were at school.  Later that afternoon, Gun handed off the kids to his parents, and Bob and Lexxi arrived.  We had a fun evening chatting and having a few drinks.  We left Gun and Lilly to the basement, and Bob, Lexxi, and I retired to our bedroom upstairs.  I will let you know that a king size bed sleeps 3 just fine 😉

On Saturday, us girls ran a few errands.  We introduced Lilly to the Canadian delicacy of poutine.  Lilly and her dancing outfits were the subject of a photo shoot with Bob (I’m looking forward to seeing how the pictures turned out as she looked gorgeous in her costumes).  Our friends Melissa and Chad came over and helped us eat Gun’s homemade lasagna.  That night we all went to the local swingers club.  It was so busy!  I guess Halloween really is the swinger’s biggest “event” as they were checking names at the small club we were at and had to buzz us into the main area.  We danced, and had a few drinks.  I smiled when I saw Gun and Lilly go off in the direction of the play room.  Not too much longer after that, Lexxi and Chad walked off that way too.  Melissa soon turned to Bob and I and asked when he was going to flog me on the St. Andrew’s cross that’s there.  Bob’s toy bag was in the car, so we went to the playroom to see what items they had there to use.  Lexxi and Chad were standing in front of the bed that’s right next to the cross.  Chad’s bare naked ass was showing, and they were deeply involved in making out.  I was tempted to grab his ass, and Bob made like he was going to swat Chad with the cheap flogger they had there, but we both refrained.  I figured it would ruin the mood between Chad and Lexxi, and I didn’t want to interrupt them.

Sir decided he wanted his own arsenal of toys, so he went to get his bag.  When we went back to the playroom, he asked me to strip to however I was comfortable.  I left my panties on.  I noticed there was a crowd gathering as I was being strapped in.  Soon, Sir had his beloved balanced floggers Igg and Ook thumping out patterns on my back, shoulders, ass, and thighs.  I could feel myself starting to float.  I heard murmurs from people around us.  I did very clearly hear Gun’s voice shout “Igg and Ook!”  I turned my head and saw him peeking over the semi-private rooms that were by the cross and bondage chair.  Sir tried out a few of his new toys on me while I was restrained there.  The wooden paddle with the big spikes kind of scared me, but Bob went easy on me with that one.  I ended up asking for him to use the bear claws on me.  As soon as they started scraping down my back, I started shivering in ecstasy.  I fricken love those things!  Up and down my arms, my legs, across my stomach, and the sides of my breasts.  I was so close to the edge of an orgasm that I was shaking.  Sir came up close behind my back while he scraped my stomach.  I leaned back on him and told him quietly that I would easily cum right then if he told me.  “Cum for me kitten” he whispered into my ear.  I immediately squealed and felt my insides clench and release, my legs went slack, and I was holding the chains above the cuffs that were around my wrists.  My body was wracked with tremors, I felt like I was almost exploding.  I calmed down to aftershock level, when Sir told me to cum again.  And cum I did.  The next time I calmed down enough to feel my legs again, I asked Sir if he was going to try out his new tail whip on me, Little Viper as he calls it.  He fished that out of his bag and I felt the sting shortly after.  Oh gawd, did that ever sting.  I was already tender from everything else, so it didn’t take much for me to be on the edge of an emotional release.  I let him know how close I was and he got me softly over that edge, just enough to get the release I crave, but not enough to have me a sobbing mess in semi-public.  I was unstrapped and led to the bed that Lexxi and Chad had vacated a while before.  Sir undressed himself and helped me float down from sub space with a good and thorough fucking.

When we joined the rest of our group back out in the main dance area, we were all starting to get tired.  We found out after there had been a slight altercation by the pool table, some guy groped Lilly, but she stood up for herself and told him to back off.  Gun was still in ultra-protective mode.  Chad and Melissa headed home, and the rest of us separated for bed once we got back to our house.

The next morning we all hung out, and took it easy.  Gun went to “help” Lilly pack after lunch, and all too soon it was time for Bob and Lexxi to head home.  About a half hour after that, it was time for Gun drive Lilly to the airport.

All in all, I thought it was a great weekend, it just went by too fast.  Though, most weekends do when they’re spent with loved ones and good friends.


I will fully admit, I’m totally excited for Lilly to get here. For those who don’t know, Lilly is Gun’s girlfriend who lives in the States.  We just got word from her boyfriend Rigger that she’s at the airport. Gun is picking her up on our end later this evening.

I just love seeing him excited. He’s been supportive in my relationship with Erik, so I’m glad I can give some of it back to him. These relationships are different from the quad as they aren’t connected to each other, they don’t have us still connected in a way. They’re something for ourselves. Plus they’re newer.

I haven’t seen her since March, and Bob and Lexxi will get to meet her tomorrow night. A few of us are going out to the local swingers club on Saturday to party on Halloween. It should be a fun weekend.

Anyway, that’s it for now. I just wanted to gush about being excited for my husband’s girlfriend to get here 😄