A weekend away, and some self-reflection

This past weekend Erik and I went away to a hotel not too far away and spent a couple of days and nights together. It’s been three years since we met and started dating, and it was also the first time we’ve been able to spend that amount of time together.

It was an amazing, relaxing, fun, connective weekend. I enjoyed every moment we had together, but by the time I got home, I found myself fighting my emotions and holding on by a thread.

Why was this?

I was confounded at first with what my emotions were bringing up in me. I didn’t lack with cuddles, kisses, or random touches all weekend. Other than not wanting our time together to end (nothing new there), what had me so riled up?

I realized that I put myself out there in ways I haven’t in a long time. I was nervous and scared, but I did it. I was glad I did, and I think Erik appreciated it too, though some of what was bothering me was the way I perceived a few of his reactions.

What stands out the most is that it showed me how uncomfortable I’ve become in my own skin. The inner me knows what she wants and needs now more than ever, but I’m not happy with the outer me.

Erik gave me a cute, flowery, sheer nightie the first night we were away. From the searing looks Erik was giving me while wearing it, he seemed to like it quite a lot, but I honestly couldn’t stand to look at parts of me in it. It wasn’t *my* body, or at least not the one I had finally grown to accept and like in the recent-ish past.

I had lost 75lbs a few years ago, but over the last while, I’ve put it all back on. I’m the most disappointed in myself for the last year specifically. The coping mechanisms I’ve used for dealing with things in my life weren’t ideal and as a result I don’t recognize me anymore. Those things I had trouble coping with have started to straighten out some, but I’m now here… feeling like the overweight unhealthy person I was over 6 years ago.

I think a lot of my reactions were based in that. I’d put myself out there. Insecure, gross feeling me…

Erik and I talked some last night. While the rational part of my head knew I was on the wrong track, it did help some to get confirmation that was the case. .

I’m still feeling off though. I think me trying to take back control of my health should help. It’ll be an uphill battle, but I’ve done it successfully before. Dammit, I can do it again.

<This is the living area of the suite we stayed in. The featured pic is the view.>

My Style of Polyamory

I’ve been thinking lately about polyamory, and the way I do poly.  My wants and needs within relationships.  A lot of it has come from learning about myself over the last 5 years especially.  I really didn’t date when I was younger.  I’ve recently been asked why, and well, it’s really because nobody asked me.  I was shy and didn’t initiate conversations much, and I went to an arts intensive high school where there were approximately 700 girls to 400 guys, and the straight guys were snapped up pretty quickly.  Heck, all the guys were really lol.  My hubby was the second guy I dated, and it was over 21 years ago that we met.  So, when I asked to open our relationship, I didn’t know what I wanted really…but I’ve figured some things out. Continue reading

My brain these days…

I’m sorry for the recent blog blitz but this has been an interesting couple of months, both happenings wise, and mental figuring my shit out wise.  I’ve now posted the happenings recaps, so this blog is the mental one.  I’ve had some very intense feelings in my relationships with each of the men in my life, and have done a lot of internal soul searching in the process. Continue reading

Differences in Openness

Since we opened up 3 years ago, the majority of the people that we’ve been in contact with have been as open as Gun and I are. At least the ones that we’ve connected with, and formed a friendship with. Easy going chatting online has transferred easily to easy going talking in person. The ones that we’ve let in, have been let in fully once they’ve gained our trust, and vice versa. I’ve been struggling recently.
Continue reading

Another tipsy post headed your way

I’m generally a happy drunk. A loving, horny drunk. A sappy drunk.

I’m sitting here playing with Gun’s cock, while we watch tv. There’s nothing more than I’d like to do than feed it to my girlfriend Lexxi. Watching it grow harder in her mouth. I’d grip as much of her hair as my little hands would hold, helping her lips travel up and down his cock.

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Taking turns with our mouths. Then having one of us sit in his face while the other rides him, then switch. I love it.

I do love sharing our guys with my girlfriend.

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Just…there…

I don’t know how I’m feeling right now. No, I guess that’s not quite right. I have so many thoughts and emotions whirling around in my head that I don’t know which is dominant.

In no particular order: anxiety, frustration, anticipation, insecurity, friendship, love, despair, apathy…really I could go on. Thanks to me being in the throes of PMS, my emotions are a roller coaster.
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Well, here goes!

I’ve been thinking about starting a blog for a while. Well, truth be told I have one that I haven’t used in ages, but I can’t freely talk about my true thoughts and feelings on that one as my parents follow(ed?) that one, and I don’t think that they’d really want to know that many details about this other side of my life. So, I created this one. It goes along with my anonymous twitter account, hence the names are the same 😉

A little about myself: Im 39, have been married for over 14yrs, have 2 kids, 2 dogs, & 2 cats. We opened our marriage 2 1/2 yrs ago, started swinging just over 2 years ago, and became involved in a polyamorous relationship with another couple just over a year ago. If you have any questions, just ask 😊

You’ll find me randomly ranting about anything here. Family, friends, pets, love, sex, you name it. You might find some posts interesting. You might find some downright boring. But one thing I’m not going to do is censor myself. Feel free to comment, though if you’re derogatory or just being an ass, I’ll probably delete the comment.

That’s it for now…

Krys 💋