Random late night D/s relationship type thoughts

I am not a “little” but there are aspects of the DD/lg (Daddy Dom/little girl) relationship that enthrall me. They mostly have to do with being taken care of.  

I’ve always been an independent woman who takes care of herself, but there are times when I’d just as much be ecstatic if someone took care of me a bit. I know I would struggle, but ultimately would love it. Take care of me, show me how to act properly for you, discipline me if I screw up. Show me you care about me, and us. I will give it my all to show you the same.

This thought was prompted by a picture I saw earlier tonight on twitter. It got my mind going in a direction that I hadn’t really thought of much before, but has continually been drawing me to some degree or another. 

Forbidden 2017

*Warning: one picture included below involves blood, it’s from consensual needle play.

This year I was able to book off the Friday and was on holidays the following week, so I could be there every day of Forbidden.

For those who don’t know, Forbidden is a yearly kinky camping event in southern Ontario at a gay men’s campground. They open their doors three times a year for us kinky and open minded folk, Forbidden being one of them. The camp ground is beautiful and well kept. There’s a salt water pool, a rec hall that they hold activities in, a food truck/cantina kind of thing if you don’t feel like camp food, a tent with donated play equipment, and a forest full of fun kinky equipment at our disposal. Us attendees also plan all sorts of activities for anyone to join in throughout the weekend. Continue reading

Tape won’t hold together cracks for too long 

It’s been a challenging few months in various aspects for me but I’ve been holding steady. It’s weird though; I’ve been in a mindset for the past few weeks to basically push everything aside and focus on my creativity. I’m still kinda there, but not. I have my moments where I feel so overwhelmed and needy, but I’ve found my footing and reigned it in and basically pushed it all down. 

This past weekend was a quad weekend, but it also kind of wasn’t. We were all together but my other best friend, her husband, and their daughter were also there, so we didn’t get the same swapped alone time that we usually do even when my kids are there with us. It was the first time in about 2 years that Bob and I didn’t get to do our D/s greeting ritual 😔  i honestly wouldn’t have changed the weekend if I could, but it was just so odd and unusual that I don’t think I really escaped the mindset I’ve been in, even with the extra day together. I’m not sure what to think of it, but honestly patience is still what’s needed the most, so I’m not putting a lot of thought into it right now.

It’s where the “I don’t give a shit” attitude I’ve had for quite a while now just doesn’t help. That and when I get home from work, I’m totally thinking “fuck it” to pretty much everything.

I’m not feeling submissive these days. I recognized my yearning for a sound beating back a month or two ago, but that’s almost gone dormant. I know it’s there, but I just feel like I’m on autopilot through pretty well everything lately. I don’t feel much, I don’t engage, I just exist… I hate it, but don’t know how to find my way out of it without cracking somewhere. 

Trying to figure my shit out

I’ve been so down on myself about my weight recently, but also have been having such a hard time keeping balanced overall. I don’t get stressed easily, but I’ve realized that I’ve fallen back to some old coping strategies (namely food) and added others (namely wine), plus jumped into my creativity, to help balance. 

What stress?

My kitten got neutered today. Thankfully, he’s been doing well though. A little slower than his usual self,  but he’s been playful enough to know he’ll be fine. 

Gun and I have been okay, he’s had a somewhat better time at work since he’s been so busy.  It’s good for him, but he’s exhausted at the end of the day, so crashes when we get to bed…quality time has been something we’re trying to fit it in, but it hasn’t been easy. 

Bob/Sir has been awesome but our time is so few and far between since March that I’ve been missing him, our connection, and getting a sound fucking beating for a while now. I’m missing it so much that I’m beyond aching. That side of me is somewhat numb actually. The fact we won’t be able to connect like that until August doesn’t help. It’s like a side of me that’s come to represent so much of my being has gone dormant. I’ve been communicating this with Bob and he’s been great with understanding and doing what he can. The thing is, at a distance there’s only so much anyone can do (have I said before how I really don’t understand online-only relationships?!? To each their own, but in-person connection is imperative for me), but we try.

Erik has just come off a super busy month and a half for himself work wise, just to jump into his wife Mia up for a local council chair which has him running all over the place constantly. We got to spend a few hours together last Saturday which was fantastic. I keep hearing that this summer will be different than last, but honestly the side of myself that’s gone into protective mode since then is really cautious.

Work still sucks ass and has me frustrated, and no calls or emails on jobs at all. 

Needless to say, I’ve been hyper focused on my creative outlets (jewelry making – chainmaille and now wire wrapping too) and churning out products like crazy. I totally LOVE it and would love to do that full time, or even part time with a nominal part time job. Almost anywhere out of where I am. 

Anyway…I’ve been trying…ish. 

Life, the universe, and everything

Here I sit, with a couple of hours left being 41, thinking of the past year in my life. 

It started off amazing on so many levels. Health, love, a couple of proposals of sorts, and fun. Unfortunately a few things started to skew within a few months. On the good side, I accepted a collar, went camping, made new friends, and nurtured some loves. On the bad side, a part of a relationship was dropped without discussion and the subsequent silence confused me greatly. 

I’m also at war internally. I’ve let myself fall back into some old unhealthy habits and over the past couple of years have regained most of the 75lbs I worked so hard to lose. That in itself has been a not-good mind fuck on me. Add in feeling not good enough in so many regards, it compounded…even with the good I have in my life, I’m still quite unbalanced, though I’m recognizing it and am trying to fight for myself. 

What will age 42 bring me? The top of my list of requests is a new job. I know that’s an underlying shit storm and that string is about to break after so many years of  being truly unappreciated. 

Beyond that…I dunno. I’ve learned so much about myself as a submissive over the past 12 months (that’s the side of me I really didn’t know before), that in ways I feel like a different person. I know what I need to thrive better, and that it isn’t an easy side of myself. She’s needy, and those who really want to embrace her can’t take her lightly. 

Will this year be the answer to things for me? Only time will tell… 

Career life musings during the few last days of being 41…

‪If I were to have my dream job, it’d be something creative. Chainmaille/jewelry making and/or the window painting I love to do would be the ultimate. How can I do these as a full time job? How can I get there? I *hate* sales; I seriously suck at it.‬ custom made service is easy; I’m polite and hate to put anyone out. Actually going out of my and asking them to buy stuff?  Yeah no, not me. I tried it with Tupperware after my oldest was born, but I lasted as long as my Aunt’s had shoes for me. 

‪As I sit here at my “for a living” job, I know I need more. I’ve had various administration jobs for the past 21(eek!!!) years. I really I don’t mind the work, but who you work for means a lot in this type of position. My boss is a tool. A selfish witch who truly doesn’t appreciate what I do for her. I need out of here, but I don’t know where to go. Admin jobs like this are in high competition in the area I live, and I’d rather not commute for 1++ hours if I really don’t have to. I’m trying. I’m applying for various jobs I see or get sent (as everyone I care for knows I’m fed up and am looking.)

I’ve been doing some soul searching of various sorts lately, and the job front has been a biggie…

*sigh* 😔

After vacay thoughts and feelings

We had such a fantastic week in Disney, the quad plus Gun’s and my kids. We stayed at the Animal Kingdom “time share” that Bob and Lexxi have. The place was amazing. We spent 8 days relaxing and wandering the 4 parks and shopping at Disney Springs. Because the kids were there, we had to be careful with the 4 of us. We were able to swap bedrooms 2 of the nights while there and one when back at our house, but because of sleep schedules and not wanting to risk more than we had to, that was it. We came home exhausted but on a high. The exhaustion was mostly because our flight back in landed just before 1:30am, then we had an hour drive home after getting our luggage. 

Back at work, I started to feel off. I blamed it on a combination of PMS and drop. I generally don’t get depressed or anxious, at least not for any prolonged or in-depth periods of time, but I do find I get into somewhat self-deprecating moods. I don’t give a shit about what food or drink I put into my body, or what I do (or more don’t do) exercise wise. I know I shouldn’t get like this, but I do, and I was in full force last week, after our holidays.

My “off-mess” since then has mostly subsided, but it’s recently started to be replaced by a feeling I know all too well: submissive longing. Even though I just saw Bob for the better part of 10 days during our vacation, I had to suppress a lot of my submissive side the entire week. Yes, I did what I could whenever I could, it’s probably one reason I felt the need to handle the meal prep and clean up. I hate that shit with a passion, but it’s a way to serve my loved ones. Though I know I need to learn to either ask for help or not jump so quickly as I had a small breakdown one evening, and it sprung itself upon me at one of the worst times; during a very full bus ride back to our unit from Magic Kingdom. Thankfully my kids were hidden behind people standing in front of me, and that Lexxi saw what was going on with me. She and Bob switched seats so he could give me some comfort then. 

It’s been a month and a half since I could really steep myself in my submission though. I’ve had some instances since then, but they were limited: Bob and I got to finally do our “greeting” ritual on our last night together after we got back home, and I’ve had a couple of tastes when with Erik but that’s more our connection than anything “formal”, so really it hasn’t been anything that has completely fulfilled me for any length of time. It’s one of the things I have the most difficulty with honestly. I’ve figured out a lot about myself the last couple of years, but it definitely tests my patience. Especially when it surrounds a lot of my social media accounts. I guess that’s also why I don’t go on in-depth on a couple of them much anymore, and I’ve taken a lot of notifications off of people’s accounts…I look when I feel ready to. 

Ultimately I’m wanting to really let go. I’m wanting to fly. I’m starting to get to that point where I need pain. I’m also feeling the gut wrenching need to be torn wide open and rebuilt again. 

Patience girl…patience…