Tape won’t hold together cracks for too long 

It’s been a challenging few months in various aspects for me but I’ve been holding steady. It’s weird though; I’ve been in a mindset for the past few weeks to basically push everything aside and focus on my creativity. I’m still kinda there, but not. I have my moments where I feel so overwhelmed and needy, but I’ve found my footing and reigned it in and basically pushed it all down. 

This past weekend was a quad weekend, but it also kind of wasn’t. We were all together but my other best friend, her husband, and their daughter were also there, so we didn’t get the same swapped alone time that we usually do even when my kids are there with us. It was the first time in about 2 years that Bob and I didn’t get to do our D/s greeting ritual 😔  i honestly wouldn’t have changed the weekend if I could, but it was just so odd and unusual that I don’t think I really escaped the mindset I’ve been in, even with the extra day together. I’m not sure what to think of it, but honestly patience is still what’s needed the most, so I’m not putting a lot of thought into it right now.

It’s where the “I don’t give a shit” attitude I’ve had for quite a while now just doesn’t help. That and when I get home from work, I’m totally thinking “fuck it” to pretty much everything.

I’m not feeling submissive these days. I recognized my yearning for a sound beating back a month or two ago, but that’s almost gone dormant. I know it’s there, but I just feel like I’m on autopilot through pretty well everything lately. I don’t feel much, I don’t engage, I just exist… I hate it, but don’t know how to find my way out of it without cracking somewhere. 

After vacay thoughts and feelings

We had such a fantastic week in Disney, the quad plus Gun’s and my kids. We stayed at the Animal Kingdom “time share” that Bob and Lexxi have. The place was amazing. We spent 8 days relaxing and wandering the 4 parks and shopping at Disney Springs. Because the kids were there, we had to be careful with the 4 of us. We were able to swap bedrooms 2 of the nights while there and one when back at our house, but because of sleep schedules and not wanting to risk more than we had to, that was it. We came home exhausted but on a high. The exhaustion was mostly because our flight back in landed just before 1:30am, then we had an hour drive home after getting our luggage. 

Back at work, I started to feel off. I blamed it on a combination of PMS and drop. I generally don’t get depressed or anxious, at least not for any prolonged or in-depth periods of time, but I do find I get into somewhat self-deprecating moods. I don’t give a shit about what food or drink I put into my body, or what I do (or more don’t do) exercise wise. I know I shouldn’t get like this, but I do, and I was in full force last week, after our holidays.

My “off-mess” since then has mostly subsided, but it’s recently started to be replaced by a feeling I know all too well: submissive longing. Even though I just saw Bob for the better part of 10 days during our vacation, I had to suppress a lot of my submissive side the entire week. Yes, I did what I could whenever I could, it’s probably one reason I felt the need to handle the meal prep and clean up. I hate that shit with a passion, but it’s a way to serve my loved ones. Though I know I need to learn to either ask for help or not jump so quickly as I had a small breakdown one evening, and it sprung itself upon me at one of the worst times; during a very full bus ride back to our unit from Magic Kingdom. Thankfully my kids were hidden behind people standing in front of me, and that Lexxi saw what was going on with me. She and Bob switched seats so he could give me some comfort then. 

It’s been a month and a half since I could really steep myself in my submission though. I’ve had some instances since then, but they were limited: Bob and I got to finally do our “greeting” ritual on our last night together after we got back home, and I’ve had a couple of tastes when with Erik but that’s more our connection than anything “formal”, so really it hasn’t been anything that has completely fulfilled me for any length of time. It’s one of the things I have the most difficulty with honestly. I’ve figured out a lot about myself the last couple of years, but it definitely tests my patience. Especially when it surrounds a lot of my social media accounts. I guess that’s also why I don’t go on in-depth on a couple of them much anymore, and I’ve taken a lot of notifications off of people’s accounts…I look when I feel ready to. 

Ultimately I’m wanting to really let go. I’m wanting to fly. I’m starting to get to that point where I need pain. I’m also feeling the gut wrenching need to be torn wide open and rebuilt again. 

Patience girl…patience…

Drop

Subdrop:The temporary depression experienced by submissives/masochists after intense BDSM play. (Source: Urban Dictionary)

I do believe that drop isn’t just a thing for subs, masochists, Doms, or even have to include BDSM play. I think anyone can get it. Con Drop is something that people who’ve been to “lifestyle” conferences regularly talk about.

In my opinion and experiences I tend to feel a drop of some sort after an encounter where energy has been exchanged, and positive connections have occurred.  Continue reading

My weekend with Sir

Sir and I had been in discussions about a weekend away together for quite some time, but it never materialized.  We’ve only been away together once and that was within the first year of the quad getting together (so like 3 years ago now).  Even the last time we had an entire weekend to ourselves was a swap weekend over two years before.  So, we all discussed it and booked a date at the end of November to have another swap weekend.  This would be my first weekend together with Bob since we added D/s to our dynamic, so I was a little nervous but extremely excited.  We do have some things in our day-to-day life, plus when the four of us are together, but it’s not the same as one-on-one time.  The place that Sir had been looking at for us to go was booked, so a weekend for us at Bob and Lexxi’s house was decided. Continue reading