This past weekend Erik and I went away to a hotel not too far away and spent a couple of days and nights together. It’s been three years since we met and started dating, and it was also the first time we’ve been able to spend that amount of time together.
It was an amazing, relaxing, fun, connective weekend. I enjoyed every moment we had together, but by the time I got home, I found myself fighting my emotions and holding on by a thread.
Why was this?
I was confounded at first with what my emotions were bringing up in me. I didn’t lack with cuddles, kisses, or random touches all weekend. Other than not wanting our time together to end (nothing new there), what had me so riled up?
I realized that I put myself out there in ways I haven’t in a long time. I was nervous and scared, but I did it. I was glad I did, and I think Erik appreciated it too, though some of what was bothering me was the way I perceived a few of his reactions.
What stands out the most is that it showed me how uncomfortable I’ve become in my own skin. The inner me knows what she wants and needs now more than ever, but I’m not happy with the outer me.
Erik gave me a cute, flowery, sheer nightie the first night we were away. From the searing looks Erik was giving me while wearing it, he seemed to like it quite a lot, but I honestly couldn’t stand to look at parts of me in it. It wasn’t *my* body, or at least not the one I had finally grown to accept and like in the recent-ish past.
I had lost 75lbs a few years ago, but over the last while, I’ve put it all back on. I’m the most disappointed in myself for the last year specifically. The coping mechanisms I’ve used for dealing with things in my life weren’t ideal and as a result I don’t recognize me anymore. Those things I had trouble coping with have started to straighten out some, but I’m now here… feeling like the overweight unhealthy person I was over 6 years ago.
I think a lot of my reactions were based in that. I’d put myself out there. Insecure, gross feeling me…
Erik and I talked some last night. While the rational part of my head knew I was on the wrong track, it did help some to get confirmation that was the case. .
I’m still feeling off though. I think me trying to take back control of my health should help. It’ll be an uphill battle, but I’ve done it successfully before. Dammit, I can do it again.
<This is the living area of the suite we stayed in. The featured pic is the view.>