The Kind of Partner I Need – The Kind of Partner I Need to Be (shared with permission of the author)

I read the following writing on Fetlife by the awesome kinkibella, and she touched on so many points and thoughts I’ve had myself in my polyamorous adventure that I wanted to share it.  She graciously is letting me share this here 🙂

If you have Fetlife, please check out the original post and give it some love ❤ 


The Kind of Partner I Need – The Kind of Partner I Need to Be

I wrote these last summer as individual writings but I’ve been thinking about them again and decided to pool them all into one place.

Poly provides so much opportunity to figure yourself out, to see things more clearly and in a more rounded way than monogamy ever did (at least for me, it does). In keeping with that, I’ve been trying, for the better part of a year now, to determine what I need from my partners and what I can offer to them.

This is a list of a few of the things I came up with. It’s not an all inclusive list, nor is every piece required for things to work.

I have found that this is an ever evolving thing. As I experience things and interact with those who I find that little zing with, I discover new things that need to be on this list. So it will be updated from time to time (updates added at the bottom).

In each section, read it as the Kind of Partner I Need – AND – The Kind of Partner I Want to Be

➺ Someone who knows how to use words

Words whispered in my ear that make my panties wet or words shared across the miles in a text message or tumblr post that makes my heart smile. Words that tell me how they need to be loved. Words that tell me how to make them happy and how to make their world a better place. Words that show me when I hurt them and how I can make that better. Words that express the depth of their emotions, the depth of their love. Words that tell me where my place is in their life and how important it is to them that I stay there. Words used to protect me, thrill me, educate me, honor me. When words fail them, someone who knows how to effectively use non-verbal communication… stroke my cheek, kiss my lips with passion and need, study me, search for my soul, touch me, pet me, play with my hair. Someone who knows how to use words to make me weak, and to build me up… words to encourage, words to instruct, words to direct, words of love, passion, lust, need, desire… For a girl with a serious weakness for words, someone who knows how to use them is a must.

➺ Someone who values personal growth

In themselves and in me. Any kind of growth… learning a new skill, vanilla or kink, taking a class, reading a book, learning how to dance, stretching themselves in areas of personal understanding and responses to things. Someone who is introspective enough to see their shortcomings and brave enough to try to overcome them. Someone who can take constructive criticism and if it is something that will add value to their life, take that criticism and create something positive out of it. Someone always working to be a better person, to be more in control of themselves and their emotions, always learning new things and honing their skills.

➺ Someone who has a life outside of me.

Particularly in external partners, someone who has friends, family, hobbies, a job… someone who will make time for me but who doesn’t need me to fill all of their time. Someone well rounded and capable of running their own life. Someone who is complete without me, whose life my presence will enhance. Someone who will ingratiate me into their world and find a welcoming place in mine but who has a world without me at the center of it and someone who will not require being the center of my world. Someone who appreciates that my life is full with friends, family, work, social obligations and encourages me to experience all of those things fully.

➺ Someone who really digs the art of dating.

Someone who understands the importance of dating and all the little things that go into that… the good morning and good night texts, texts and calls for no particular reason (other than wanting to connect with me) throughout the day. Someone who wants to invest their time and energy into knowing me better. Someone who never tires of digging deeper, someone insatiably curious and who makes a genuine effort to create opportunities and chances to learn more about each other. Someone who enjoys dating, the getting ready process… the planning…. the enjoying every second of the time given to us. Someone who really gets into good ol’ fashioned chivalry and dating etiquette… opening doors, ordering for me, someone attentive and charming.

➺ Someone who is flexible.

Someone just as happy to snuggle the night away as to throw me against the wall and fuck me till my legs give out. Someone who can handle me on my bouncy, happy, giggly days who can handle me just as well on my bluesy, moody, not fit for human interaction days.

➺ Someone who will go on adventures with me.

Walks in the park, for a swim in the local creek, a Sunday drive to the beach, a Saturday just driving around with no destination in mind… just wherever the day takes us. Whitewater rafting and lazy day fishing. An exhibit with dead bodies or a local car show. A yoga class or a rope class or a blood play class. Someone who will share adventures with me, who will bring me along on theirs and who will go happily along on mine.

➺ Someone who will be silly with me.

Be silly with me and who revel in my silly side. Someone who will make me laugh, giggle uncontrollably with me, laugh at my jokes. Someone who falls in love with my smile every time they see it and falls even harder when they see that smile make its way all the way into my eyes.

➺ Someone who wants me.

Who wants me as much as I want them. Someone who isn’t afraid to tell me that and someone who isn’t afraid to show that desire to anyone who cares to see it. Someone who wants to know me, the deep down me and who will open themselves for me to know them. Someone who looks forward to our time together with happy anticipation and expectation. Someone who wants to meet my friends and introduce me to theirs. Someone who wants to be a part of my life, takes an interest and makes an investment in this lovely thing we are creating together.

➺ Strong, Controlled, Dominant Energy {updated 04.27.2017}

This is the only point in this post where the ‘the kind of partner I need and the kind of partner I want to be’ doesn’t apply. It’s a little different.
The kind of partner I need – I don’t date submissive men unless you are switchy and have a strong top / dominant side that you are willing to engage when we are together (you don’t have to be my dominant or top – and there is definitely no guarantee that things will ever reach that point) – but that strong, controlled energy is important to me when it comes to desiring my partner. Reasonably hardcore bedroom D/s is very appealing to me (thank you to @Solestria for that very fitting description). Someone who wants to control and use me in those most intimate of moments, someone not afraid to be rough with me once I have found that trust with them. Someone who will respect the vulnerability that comes with that and appreciate the surrender and attention and adoration that goes along with it.
The kind of partner I want to be – still working on this part of this point.

➺ Someone who won’t become nothing when our time ends. {updated 05.08.16}

Most relationships will eventually come to an end. It’s just a simple fact of poly life. It will happen for any number of reasons. But when it does, don’t become nothing. Be something… Be my friend. Adjust to play partners. Switch to fuck buddies. At the very least be someone I don’t dread running into. Be someone who can sit around a table of mutual friends with me and have a dinner or a beer or someone who can be in the same space with me without it being awkward or weird and without us having to pretend we were never something. That hurts my heart and harms my spirit too much. I don’t want to be with someone who will eventually be nothing. To give so much of ourselves to just become nothing… I just can’t….

➺ Someone who is genuinely interested in knowing me and being a part of my life. {updated 05.09.16}

This can look like whatever we decide it should look like, there is no box here, no clear lines for what being a part of my life looks like or for me being a part of theirs, but interested in being in it is important. I am a very curious girl full of words and questions and wonderings. I need partners who are curious about me.. what makes me tick, what ticks me off, what kinds of things do I love and what are my pet peeves. I promise, when I am interested in making you a part of my life I will want to know all of these things about you too. I need to know, by your actions as much as your words, that you are genuinely interested in knowing me. Do you reach for me, text me, seek me out in a crowd, look for ways to get near me, seek out conversation with me? Do you think about me, dream about me, fantasize about me, do you watch me online, learning about me? If we have the kind of chemistry where partnering of some sort is on the table, then I want to know these things. I will share my thoughts of you, my dreams, my fantasies, my weird off the wall thought of you today moments with you, I will stroke your ego and ensure that you know that I am interested. I will text, I will seek you out across a room, I will start the conversations. A dance takes two. We can figure out who is going to lead once the dance begins, but we have to get out onto the floor first. I need partners who can clearly and comfortably say that they are interested in me, that they want to know more about me, that they will let me in so that I can learn more about them.

➺ Someone who doesn’t sweat the small stuff and knows what to do with the big stuff {updated 05.16.16}

Someone who can see the big picture and can figure out if this thing that is happening to us right now is small stuff or big stuff. Someone who knows how to deal with the thing accordingly. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t make mountains out of molehills. Don’t walk away when we could instead adjust.
Can the thing be rectified with a phone call, an apology, a conversation, an adjustment of the rules or boundaries? Is there a quick, mostly painless solution, or is more needed. Is the thing even important enough to need any attention. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t let the little things that happen in every relationship, tear the relationship up.

➺ Someone with whom forgiveness is easy. {updated 05.16.16}

I think this one is pretty self explanatory. Forgive me when I fuck up. Accept my forgiveness when you fuck up. Move on. Don’t hold things in, don’t hold grudges against each other. Don’t keep bringing up things that we have already dealt with. Forgive and be forgiven. Easily.

and this… (especially those last two words)



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