I’ve been thinking lately about polyamory, and the way I do poly. My wants and needs within relationships. A lot of it has come from learning about myself over the last 5 years especially. I really didn’t date when I was younger. I’ve recently been asked why, and well, it’s really because nobody asked me. I was shy and didn’t initiate conversations much, and I went to an arts intensive high school where there were approximately 700 girls to 400 guys, and the straight guys were snapped up pretty quickly. Heck, all the guys were really lol. My hubby was the second guy I dated, and it was over 21 years ago that we met. So, when I asked to open our relationship, I didn’t know what I wanted really…but I’ve figured some things out.
- I’m not one for casual sex. I’ve tried it, and don’t care for it. I’ve discovered that I need a connection. A friendship connection at the very least, but I definitely get more out of it with a romanitcal sort.
- I don’t give my whole heart easily, but when I do fall in love I fall completely.
- Within my relationship(s), sometimes I need to come first, to feel special. Not always, that’s just not possible even for monogamous people, but sometimes… I try to do the same to my partners, and if I haven’t for awhile I hope they’d tell me. Which leads to the next point:
- Communication is important. Open, honest communication. I know I’m not always the best at it but I try, and my partners know they can kick my ass (literally and figuratively 😉 ) if I’m not doing it well enough. Whether it be something as simple as if a good or shitty day has been had, to as in depth as relationship dynamics or something bugging them, I want to know. Life isn’t all sunshine and roses and it all contributes to one’s mindset. Please share your thoughts and feelings with me. If quietness goes on for a long time, I tend to overthink, and when I overthink I start to panic, emotions build up, and I will explode somehow at some point… I hate doing that, please don’t make me do that. Also, I don’t like surprises. I’d like to know if a partner of mine is going out with someone else, at least the basics of the date or outing, and then we can talk more after all is done. If I hear nothing before, it’s like a slap in the face to me. I find it disrespectful and it’s the quickest way for me to feel useless and completely unwanted.
- I get envious, but generally have a good idea of where it stems from, and if not I actively process until I can figure it out. I try to communicate it rationally and move past it. Sometimes easier said than done, but everything is a learning experience. I use the term “envy” here as most of the time what I get those feels about isn’t something I don’t want the other person to have, but is something I want too. Generally it seems to lend itself to kinky things these days…
- Having at least an acquaintanceship with my metamour(s) is very important to me. One of the first things my hubby and I figured out as we were dating separately is that we like to chat with the person the other is seeing, especially at the beginning. It shows that we are up front and there’s no cheating between us. Beyond that, I’ve been lucky enough to become good friends with some of my metamours. It’s amazing to be able to have a gathering that includes loves, their other loves, and mutual friends. Kids too.
- I use the term “primary” to describe my relationship with my husband, but I hate the terms “primary” and “secondary”. He and I chose to have and raise kids together, share a house and finances, and our day to day in person lives, so “primary” makes sense in that regard but I find that I don’t love people in a hierarchical kind of way. Either I love or I don’t. Each connection I have is unique and important to me.
Well that’s about it for now. I reserve the right to add to this list as I continue to figure my shit out 😉