Have you ever learned something about yourself you almost wished you hadn’t? Part of me has wondered about that lately. I look back at myself 5 years ago, and see a girl who was living locked up; I had such thick and high walls surrounding me…which doesn’t sound great, but since those walls started crumbling, now I find that I just feel so much. I can’t stuff things down like I used to be able to and it can make things difficult, but I guess is a good thing overall. But with these self discoveries, I’ve also had times where I’ve felt more inherently me, naturally whole, and it’s been truly incredible. I just find that I have a hard time in between those moments, or when those moments are few and far between.
I’ve felt somewhat off for a while now, a good month or so at least. I know some of the reasons why, but who knows if there’s other things I haven’t figured out yet…various things in my relationships have been unsettled, strained, or just not there, and it’s all starting to get to me. Also my submissive side has basically been sitting (somewhat) quietly trying to be patient since timing has not been kind lately. I find it’s my sub side that’s needy, and it can be rather annoying. It goes against how I’ve been my whole life; an independent woman who doesn’t need anyone, but I can’t deny that when I’m in that headspace it feels so amazingly instinctive…it’s a vicious circle. Sometimes I’ve kind of wished I hadn’t discovered that I’m a submissive. But I have, and it’s a door that cannot be closed again.
Now even with admitting all that, it doesn’t mean that I’m not content and accepting of myself. I like me more now than I ever have. I’ve always been happy with my own company, though I will admit that there are times when I have a need to be around loved ones too. Generally I enjoy going about my day or doing errands by myself. I even have a couple of hobbies that I really love getting immersed in. I know there are things I need to work, on but I’m okay with that and am trying.
Still…I’ve felt a little lost lately and have no idea how much longer it’ll go on for…
I guess I’ll just have to pour myself a glass of wine and finish setting up the website to sell some of my hobby workings on.
When my work day is over, of course.