I really hate feeling needy and vulnerable. 

As a fiercely independent woman, feeling the need that I do with my submission can scare the shit out of me, and it honestly annoys me to no end. I’m not used to needing anything like this.

I’m finding since I’ve opened up this side of me, it’s brought out a new vulnerability that has shaken me to my core. It leaves me unsure and makes me second guess myself often. Being away from my other relationships doesn’t help. Also knowing that they each have full time live-in sub/slaves in their wives makes me feel so much less at times. How do I compete with that? Yeah, I know it’s not a competition, and really I don’t see it as that… But my brain still points me to feeling lesser. Irrational? Probably. But the thoughts are there nonetheless.

It’s weird how I kind of feel split in a few different ways, and each of those parts have various degrees of fulfillment within them. I guess that’s one of the difficult things with polyamory, especially with a physical distance and the fact that everyone is just so damned busy. Just when some things feel like they’re progressing, it kind of comes to a halt. Or patience is needed when conversations just can’t happen yet. I’m trying not to be clingy, but think I’m failing miserably.

Bob and I have had a few good discussions recently about progressing our D/s relationship. I now have some new and some more fleshed out rituals and protocols, which I’m happy about. I had asked for more, needed more in my day-to-day life, and he’s given me that.

Today, a misunderstanding and a fuck up in technology had me pissed off most of the day at my oldest son. Between that and work bs, I was stressed. Instead of wanting to drown my feelings in food and wine, I came home and hopped on the treadmill to try to get it out. I wanted to run (well, jog) until I couldn’t breathe, Pushing myself until I hurt. Which I did.

Then it hit me, that was it, I needed to hurt.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a heavy impact session, and will be a while until I really get to again. With Bob’s recent surgery, and because we haven’t been alone without kids in the house for a while, timing has really sucked. I’ve had bits and pieces in the past almost 3 months, but not a lot, or more not enough to fully satisfy my masochistic side. When Erik bit my neck and ear on Friday night, damn did it ever feel amazing. I remembered anew how much I’ve been missing that. I’m not pushing Bob though, his healing is way more important than me needing a beating release. In August when we go to Forbidden to camp, Bob and I will be able to get a good session in.

Speaking of Forbidden, that’s a whole other thing and I won’t deny that kind of scares me. Really, it’s more the timing of it; that will be the first weekend that I’ll get to be with Bob after his healing time is over, and the selfish part of me doesn’t want to share that reconnection time…but I will have to…The unknown activities scare me some too, but more in a fascinating way. I am looking forward to spending some time with the friends I’ve made in the community that Bob and Lexxi belong to.

I pretty much know that anything D/s wise with Erik is on hold for the time being, at least anything beyond when we’re together in person…not that we ever really talk about it other than when in person, unless I’ve brought it up when we chat (which isn’t often). With him being in school two nights a week now, plus labs, reading, homework, and tests, let alone his kids, and spending time with Mia, it’s a wonder if we’ll get to talk at all other than the odd check in for most of the summer. At least we have one date set up for a month from now.

Gun and I had a long talking and fucking session the other weekend. We fucked, talked and expressed some fears, had angry sex, talked some more, went out to our new back deck and talked, christened the new deck, then back inside to talk and connect some more. It was overdue and needed, and I’ve felt more stable with him than I’ve been in a while.

Anyway, I’ve rambled on enough tonight…

2 thoughts on “I really hate feeling needy and vulnerable. 

  1. lexxiblue says:

    I am here for you all the time if you need an ear. And I am so glad you had a chance to have that time to sort things out with Gun. Xoxo

  2. Violeteyes says:

    ((Hugs)) my friend. My Liege and I have also let BDSM ride in the back seat for a bit, while his back heals. This past weekend was our first true session in a couple of months. Seeing each other every week kept our bond secure, but both of us were feeling the need for some sort of release (no pun intended).

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