My brain these days…

I’m sorry for the recent blog blitz but this has been an interesting couple of months, both happenings wise, and mental figuring my shit out wise.  I’ve now posted the happenings recaps, so this blog is the mental one.  I’ve had some very intense feelings in my relationships with each of the men in my life, and have done a lot of internal soul searching in the process.

The few weeks towards the end of 2015 when Erik and his family were settling in with their new baby was an eye opener for me.  We didn’t talk all that much, and when we did it was usually surface chit-chat, essentially just checking in with each other.  I started to miss him very quickly.  I realized that my feelings for him had gotten very deep, and were honestly scaring the crap out of me.  Beyond attraction, as a submissive I’ve been strongly drawn to him for months but had been trying to fight it.  In fighting it I was driving myself (and probably those around me) crazy.  I hadn’t fully comprehended it until then, but unaware to myself I had been submitting to him for months.  We’ve had a few good conversations recently and we now understand where each other stands.

Along with all of that going on in my brain, I have been feeling like I’m coming into my own with my submission to Bob.  It’s been natural, and I’ve felt a sense of completeness, it’s awesome.  I feel very solid in my relationship with him, and haven’t really had any insecure or unsure thoughts in a while.  If I’m down about anything it’s usually because my sub side is feeling off, or I’m envious of what he and Lexxi are up to in their local kinky social circle that they’ve submersed themselves in.

Bob and Erik are both open minded Doms, but they are also rather old fashioned in some of their D/s beliefs.  The thing is, I’ve connected with them both on a level beyond what I had ever imagined, they each take me where I’ve never been to before, and places different from which the other can.  Being polyamorous, they understand that I get different things out of each of my relationships, really it’s the same thing here but on another level.  My feelings for one aren’t lessened because of my feelings for the other.  Actually in some ways it makes me more aware of them… And seriously, they really are quite alike. Their approaches may be different, but they have similarities. Do I ever think they’ll be good friends? No, probably not.  Being respectful and possibly communicative is all I hope for.

I have wondered how far deep into being a submissive I could go, but ultimately know because of my circumstances there’s only so much I can or will do.  Gun is my rock and primary life partner.  We have kids, pets, a house, and we share finances.  He’s one of my best friends and I love him unconditionally.  There are aspects of our lives in which we have grown apart over the last few years, but we are still each other’s biggest supporters and will always stand by the other’s side; because of this I’m trying to be conscious of my kinky submissive side as I know it can make Gun feel left out at times.  It does make me cautious in expressing myself around him sometimes though.  He’s had his own rough moments over the last while, so being a solid support for him has been deeply important to me.  Honestly, I really would love for him to find a vanilla/non-kinky open minded or poly girl who lives close by.

Add into that happenings with kids and parents, and also being supportive for other members of our quad, and good friends who have been going through things of their own…it’s been a busy few months.

Anyway, yeah…my brain has been a kerfuffle of all sorts of stuff lately. I believe I’ve finally sorted through the vast majority of what has been swimming around in my brain, enough that I can enjoy my relationships and spending time with the people who matter most to me.

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