I am an only child, one who was extremely shy growing up. I did almost everything by myself and really didn’t feel like I needed anyone else. I’ve always been staunchly independent and still shake my head at women who can’t seem to do anything for themselves, or always have to have someone with them.
I enjoy my own company. Overall, I like myself.
I ended up marrying a man who isn’t too big on showing affection. If he’s like that because of how I was when we met or not, I’m not sure, but he’s not big on PDA’s or the need to be with me 24/7 (that last one would annoy me anyhow). He doesn’t like to go shopping, so I’ve never really asked him to. Plus it’s easier to get certain things done when he’s not there…he’s a worse impulse buyer than I am at times. I really don’t have a problem with any of this, I’m writing it here more to give you background on myself.
The thing is, since we started our non-monogamous journey, I’ve discovered that I enjoy attention, showing affection. I’m not sure if it’s a side effect of my ever crumbling outer shy walls, or something I’ve learned about myself. Probably a combination of the two. Either way, there seem to be parts of me that crave it, need it. These feelings seem to come out stronger when I’m hormonal and PMSing, or if I’m in the throes of sub drop. I find myself conflicted; not wanting to admit that I need anyone, but basically screaming on the inside that I do. These feelings seemed to have gotten stronger since I’ve been uncovering my submissive side. When I’m feeling this, I’m not sure how to handle it. I tend to try stuffing it back down, and to soothe myself with activities I enjoy, like colouring, having some wine or chocolate, a hot bath, or snuggling with my husband. I breathe deeply, and push through, as I know it will pass. It sort of helps, but I can’t deny that it also makes me feel somewhat lonelier…