My last bout of sub drop really was a pretty horrific one.
We’d just finished our last quad weekend, where Bob and I had a few very emotional talks, along with some play and an awesome flying on the waves of subspace session. What really exasperated the situation is that I was spending the majority of the following week alone. Well, not quite, but I would have very little face to face contact with any of my beloved ones. I was heading away for the first half of the week, then Gun was heading away for the following weekend.
Gun and I got home Sunday evening, and I spent part of the evening unpacking and re-packing for my trip north. I was heading to a cabin my parents rented, to spend a few days with them and the kids, before I brought the kids home. Monday morning I was off on my 5 hour drive. I spent it listening to various Life on the Swingset podcasts that I was behind on. Gun and I discovered them just after we opened up, and they’ve been an amazing resource. I made a conscious effort to spend some quality time with my kids and parents, not really chatting much or looking at social media until the evenings when they’d all gone to bed. Tuesday night I could feel my mood start to slip, I don’t recall what all brought it on. I know I was chatting some with Bob, Lexxi, Erik, and Mia. Gun had a date with his longtime good friend/fwb, so he was busy 🙂 All I remember is sadness starting to come over me, and tears starting to roll down my cheeks. I was able to take a few deep breaths and I basically shoved the feeling down. It may not have been my brightest idea, but it wasn’t the best place to break down.
The kids and I headed home around lunch time on the Wednesday. About half way through our drive home, a song came on and the lyrics just hit home. It felt like a heavy blanket of sorrow enveloped me. My eyes welled up, and I had a hard time controlling myself. Luckily I had sunglasses on, so I don’t think the boys saw anything. I was able to send a quick message to Bob, letting him know it was starting to hit me. He told me to breathe deeply, and that we’d talk more when I got home. It took me a while, but I was able to wrangle myself back under control. Gun was home from work when we got there. We unloaded the car, and ordered pizza for dinner. After that I grabbed myself a glass of wine and headed down to the basement. Gun had started watching a tv show that I don’t watch. He stated how he wanted to watch the last 2 episodes before he went away for the weekend. Him saying that made me feel very small and insignificant. We were only spending one evening together all week, and I was already holding on emotionally by a thread…so hearing that, I felt it snap and fall. I made some excuse about unpacking and headed upstairs. I texted Bob to let him know it hit, and what I was feeling. Sadness, despair, loneliness, and loss. The tears started falling in earnest by the time I hit our bedroom. I closed the door to our ensuite bathroom, sat on the floor and cried. I could hear Bob’s text tone on my phone go off a few times, but I just couldn’t. I curled myself up, and just let it all pour out.
After a while, my breathing calmed down and the tears stopped. I cleaned up a bit and went back down to see Gun. I asked him if we could watch one of the tv shows that we both watch, as we only had one evening together. He agreed. We ate pizza and watched tv, then I cuddled into his side. Having his arm around me, I could feel myself finally relax somewhat. Later that evening I let him know that I was suffering from sub drop, and he admitted he didn’t know what to do. I let him know that just holding me as he did earlier was what I needed. The tears continued on and off throughout the evening, Cuddling with Gun did help a lot, but I still felt kind of lonely.
The next day, Gun left for work, then he was heading to the States to visit his girlfriend for the weekend. I still felt on edge emotionally, but my compersion for him helped keep it in check at times. I was ecstatic that they were getting this time together. But, I won’t deny that tears came easily if I thought too long about anything D/s or BDSM related. Prevalent feelings throughout the day were lonely, separate, misunderstood, achy, yearning, and sad. I did my best to focus on the kids and dogs, and not dwell on anything that made me upset.
By Friday afternoon when I took the boys to see Ant-Man, I felt much more stable. That evening Erik came over to hang out and watch movies. We talked a little bit as well. Or more, I talked and he listened and took it in. We fooled around a little, but I could feel he was holding back from me. When I realized this, and I knew we wouldn’t be getting too intimate that night, it was like the wall I’d put around my emotions cracked and the sadness returned. I was aching for intimacy from him, but felt I was rebuffed. I handled it as best I could, and just tried to enjoy the little time we did have together.
Over the next few days I did a lot of deeper talking to Bob and Erik, and was also entertained by chatting with Gun and hearing about his trip. I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t dwell on all of this anymore. I was happy in the way things were going with Bob, the way things have been evolving. That’s ultimately how I want it to go with Erik, kind of a whatever is meant to be, will be.
This past weekend Bob and I talked more about what I can do to stave off sub drop again. He gave me a couple of things to use, and a few on-going tasks to keep track of. I know the emotional talk the previous weekend, plus being lonely for the better part of the week after made the drop compound and be that much worse.
I’m happy to say so far, so good this time 🙂