What do I want?

I’ve been asked what I want out of the BDSM lifestyle, what I want to explore. For a person with limited exposure and experience, that hasn’t been an easy question to answer.

Primarily I’ve been involved in a few restraint and pain/sensation play sessions. I quickly realized that I thoroughly enjoy that, and definitely want to continue exploring that side. Test my limits, and experience new sensations. Harder, faster, slower, softer, hot, cold. I’ve only just touched the tip of any of that and have been drawn like a magnet, wanting, yearning, aching for more.
While I know that’s not all there is, I’m finding it difficult to search out other scenarios or applications. Most places I’ve read basically say to talk to your Dom and set limits. Well I’m so new at this, and I’m the one who’s been asked, so where can I look?
I ended up purchasing “the New Bottoming Book” by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy the other week. I figured it could be a good place to start looking. While on the treadmill earlier tonight I came across a chapter that asked “what do you want from bottoming?” and then listed a bunch of feelings, actions, and roles. I looked at these lists a few times over. Some I could dismiss right away, others I knew were a resounding “yes” right away. A few of them I had to really think about.
I’m going to go through the ones I haven’t dismissed, and try to define why they’re something I might want.
Helplessness – I know that I enjoy being sexually used by someone I trust. To have them take what they want or need from me, while I can’t do anything to stop it, is a turn on for me. I know I want this included. It also goes along with being restrained.
Rebelliousness – I know I’m a hard headed woman. This is something that I won’t easily back away from, not totally. It’ll be in the mix somewhere, somehow.
Objectification – like helplessness, being treated like an object for His pleasure and wants is a turn on.
Redemption – this one I’m unsure of, but know I couldn’t discount it. It’s something for me to think about, I guess.
Neediness – I can be needy, I know this. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t want to explore BDSM at all. I need this exploration. If I couldn’t ever do it again, I feel a piece of me would be stifled. Cut off. Incomplete.
Innocence – I know I’m innocent in a lot of things. I’m intrigued to play on that, maybe an in public thing, to appear innocent, while not actually being so…it’s a thought anyway.
Lust – a no brainer. I want to feel lust towards the man in control of me, and be lusted after.
Belonging – I would like to feel that at least a part of me belonged to Him, and vice versa. As a polyamorous woman who has more than one love, I couldn’t be wholly owned by one person, but I do welcome feeling like I belong with them somewhat. Honestly I couldn’t explore any of this with someone I didn’t feel that way with at least partially.
Loss of control – I want to lose control. My brain doesn’t shut off easily. Make it quiet down please.
Fear – this one I contemplated. I think I kept it as it would be a way to push my boundaries.
Brat – I can be bratty, I know this. I’m sarcastic and have a smart mouth. I don’t think I’d ever be able to fully let that go.
Good girl – I love when I’m able to accomplish something, especially if asked of me. I want to inherently be good. I’ve also found out that hearing those two words makes me swoon 😍.
Cherished possession – I think this one is self explanatory. I want to feel cherished, cared for and loved.
Object – see objectification above, it’s along those lines.
Target – I see this similar to being an object.
Drama queen – I couldn’t rule this out, but not quite sure why it’s here…
Captive – captive, helpless, consentual non-consent.
Rebel – some of what I want to explore, I know I’ll probably rebel against as well. It’s the brat in me *shrugs*.
Sex object – yes please!! 😍😍😍
Forgiveness – this is one of them I couldn’t rule out.
Smallness – to be honest, I’m still figuring out this term, but I take it as similar to being nurtured.
Nurturing – I’m a caring person, and want to care for my Dom.
Being nurtured – and I want Him to care for me.
Humility – I know I have drama queen on here, but I think I’m in reality more of a humble person than a queen of any sort.
Catharsis – I want to learn more about myself, and those I care about.
Competence – I want to excel at what I do, both in and out of the bedroom.
Whore – I would have no problem exploring being made to feel like a whore.
Animal – turn my brain off, and I can become more primal. I love that no holds barred, animalistic sex. Oh yes please! 😍
Pleasure slave – use me, abuse me, I want to be worn out. 
Proud beauty – I’m not overly girly, but this could be an interesting role. Especially if I was told how to dress and act if we were going out.
Bad girl – like whore, please uncover more of my inner bad girl.
Wild thing – similar to animal, make me lose my mind please.
I know of a few scenerios that I don’t want to explore.  No scat play (no reenacting 2 girls, 1 cup for this girl), no slapping me in the face, and obviously no underage minors.
Other than that, I’m still reading this book, researching, and figuring stuff out, but I think this may be a good start anyway…

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