I tweeted the other day about how I feel like a walking contradiction these days. I had simultaneously felt the strong want to go dancing, to let loose, and be free, while I’ve also been thinking a lot lately about submission, being controlled, restrained, and guided.
I have always been a very independent person. I’m an only child, and was painfully shy when I was younger, so I only had a few close friends, and because of where I ended up going to high school, my closest friends weren’t that close by. I did a lot by myself, I still do. I enjoy being by myself often enough, but have always missed not having a BFF around the corner to do mundane, spontaneous stuff with, like dropping in for a tea, or something innocuous like that.
One thing my hubby and I have said since we started our journey into non-monogamy is that neither of us owns the other. We are our own person. We have some vanilla friends that are caught up on that. “I can’t possibly share my wife, she’s mine!” Overall our thoughts are that people aren’t possessions.
Lately however I have been thinking of that in a Dom/sub context. I see a lot of pictures and tweets about a sub belonging to a Dom, or a Dom owning a sub. It’s an intriguing concept to me, though I’m not sure how it could fit into my life. I admittedly have a rather complicated relationship structure, but I’m very happy with what is (hopefully) settling into place. Nobody could have the whole of me, but thinking about it, really everyone I care about does theoretically own a piece of me. Sure we can’t help who we fall for, or who we click with, but everyone I’ve got in my life, whether platonic friend, fwb, lover, or love, they all bring something different to me. They also all bring something different out of me. Heck, even relating this to my kids, they have a part of my heart that nobody could ever touch.
With that thought, I guess I am owned wholly, but it’s not by one person, it’s by a select chosen few.
Maybe that’s why I seem to feel more deeply these days. When things aren’t right or unsettled, it can shake me to the core. Whether others realize it or not, I have given them parts of myself, and what they do with those parts that has an impact.