I’m honestly not sure what I’m feeling right now. Last night was quite the roller-coaster of emotions for me, and I know I’ll be feeling the fallout for a while yet.
When you’ve discovered a part of yourself that you want to expand on and explore, finding the right person/people to do this is critical. For comfort, and depending on what it is, for safety reasons. If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that I’d been introduced to BDSM by my poly hubby Bob about a year and half ago, and have been hooked since. The thing is, I haven’t been able to explore too often because my primary source for this is a 5 hour drive away, plus other issues that we’d been dealing with the past year.
I recently met someone that I connected with, and throughout the past few months, thought I had possibly found someone that could help open that door further for me. We had discussed it to a degree, he’d even teased some things with me though our chats.
Apparently I was wrong.
I respect his decision, but I can’t deny it hurts. A lot. Kind of like a kick to the chest. Along with that I’m confused, upset, and angry. Though I do have a ton of follow up questions for him, some formulated, some not. There was a point last night after he told me this that I came very close to asking him to take me back to my car. I felt on the verge of falling apart. It has shocked me to a degree just how much it has ended up hurting. I’m not one to have expectations, or try to daydream into the future. I’ve been hurt too much by it in the past, but I guess I had held onto that string of hope pretty fiercely. I’d say it also shows how hard I’ve fallen for him.
Our evening last night ended well (very well 😈), but as soon as I got back to the comfort of my home, I could feel the weight settling back down on me.
I kind of feel like I’m back to being stuck again…at a loss. Bob and I recently defined that part of our relationship, so at least that feels more settled to me, it’s still not something that we can readily explore. One weekend a month is barely enough to see someone you love, let alone 4 people together trying to fit what they can into barely 2 days. Add in kids sometimes, and it doesn’t leave the time for much exploration. Though to be fair, it’s not like I’d have ample opportunities to fully delve into this with him either. Hell, the biggest issue is usually trying to find an out of the way place to park the car. The fun of being married, dating, and no place to go. Though being tied up and flogged isn’t the only aspect that intrigues me now. Parts of it could easily be carried out in public, seemingly unknowingly. Anyway, that’s a moot point now.
I know this is something that I’ll feel for a while yet, but I’ll get through it.