In short…not much. Overall, I’ve felt…off…lately. Like I’ve lost my spark. I’m going to try to organize my thoughts by writing them out here, as I’m not really sure why.
I’m not happy with myself lately, and while I’m starting to try to do something about it, I know I haven’t given myself that major kick in the ass that I need. I’m not sure if I’ve wrote this before, but I used to be fat. Like I mean FAT. I lost over 75lbs in just under 2 years, but have gained back 20lbs of it since last fall. I feel fat again. I feel gross. I feel unsexy.
At home, everything is fantastic with Gun, he’s my rock. The quad is solid and steady at its core as well. We all have had our issues to deal with, but without these three people I think I would have lost it ages ago.
I’ve become very disillusioned with my job. I want out of here. I’m feeling very stagnant and suffocated lately. I had a phone interview last week at Gun’s work, hopefully I’ll hear sooner or later if I’ve made it to an in person interview. I have heard I made it to the next round for a job where Lexxi works. As much as I would jump to work there (good job and company), it would be a thoroughly thought out decision as it would mean up-heaving our entire lives. I figure I’ll cross that bridge if it appears.
Money has been stressing me out beyond belief these days…it just seems to be one thing after another. Next up, breaks on the van, and getting our puppy spayed. Every single time I think we have a month where we can breathe even just a little, something else pops up. I know this is tied to the job search, but it leaves me feeling at my wits end constantly.
Both Gun and Lexxi have been very active in finding and meeting with their FWB’s lately. I’m happy for them. Lexxi is getting to experience something she’s been wanting to (and seems to be quite enjoying it ;)), and Gun is getting to indulge in what we’ve found to be his kink. A couple of months back, I had signed up on Tinder, and then OK Cupid, to see if I could find a local FWB again. I actually do have one, the male half of a couple we know, but we’ve only played together twice. Once alone, and once with he and his wife and the quad. He’s awesome, sexy, and the sex was great, but I know it’s not the same connection I’ve enjoyed with previous FWB’s that I’ve been with. I almost met up with someone I had been talking to on Tinder, but it fell through at the last minute and I’ve never heard from him again. I hadn’t tried contacting him either, so I definitely don’t fault him. I started talking to a couple of guys on OK Cupid, but ended up disabling my account after a couple of weeks as I realized that as much as I enjoy the search, I just wasn’t really into having a FWB, or wasn’t into the work that is involved in finding the right one. Or, I’m thinking it may have been that I really didn’t know what I want in that. I know what I don’t want. I love what our quad has, and the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I’m not wanting just a FWB, but wanting the deeper connection like I have with my other two guys. I just don’t know if I want that with a third guy or not. I want to have someone I care about to go out with, hang out with, be with, connect with. I want to be able to spend the afternoon with him, completely comfortable and carefree, without needing sex (though thoroughly enjoying it). Or maybe I do know, but am scared to fully admit it… But I already have that, and I don’t know if I would even think of looking elsewhere if our quad was closer together. I know I’ve said before that I feel complete when we’re all together. I think I would just look for opportunities to play with others with our quad if I had that choice.
Both Lexxi and Gun have dates tonight. I think it’s awesome…but honestly I can’t deny that I’m feeling rather alone right now…