WTF have I been up to lately?

In short…not much.  Overall, I’ve felt…off…lately.  Like I’ve lost my spark.  I’m going to try to organize my thoughts by writing them out here, as I’m not really sure why.

I’m not happy with myself lately, and while I’m starting to try to do something about it, I know I haven’t given myself that major kick in the ass that I need.  I’m not sure if I’ve wrote this before, but I used to be fat.  Like I mean FAT.  I lost over 75lbs in just under 2 years, but have gained back 20lbs of it since last fall.  I feel fat again.  I feel gross.  I feel unsexy.

At home, everything is fantastic with Gun, he’s my rock.  The quad is solid and steady at its core as well.  We all have had our issues to deal with, but without these three people I think I would have lost it ages ago.

I’ve become very disillusioned with my job.  I want out of here.  I’m feeling very stagnant and suffocated lately.  I had a phone interview last week at Gun’s work, hopefully I’ll hear sooner or later if I’ve made it to an in person interview.  I have heard I made it to the next round for a job where Lexxi works.  As much as I would jump to work there (good job and company), it would be a thoroughly thought out decision as it would mean up-heaving our entire lives.  I figure I’ll cross that bridge if it appears.

Money has been stressing me out beyond belief these days…it just seems to be one thing after another.  Next up, breaks on the van, and getting our puppy spayed.  Every single time I think we have a month where we can breathe even just a little, something else pops up.  I know this is tied to the job search, but it leaves me feeling at my wits end constantly.

Both Gun and Lexxi have been very active in finding and meeting with their FWB’s lately.  I’m happy for them.  Lexxi is getting to experience something she’s been wanting to (and seems to be quite enjoying it ;)), and Gun is getting to indulge in what we’ve found to be his kink.  A couple of months back, I had signed up on Tinder, and then OK Cupid, to see if I could find a local FWB again.  I actually do have one, the male half of a couple we know, but we’ve only played together twice.  Once alone, and once with he and his wife and the quad.  He’s awesome, sexy, and the sex was great, but I know it’s not the same connection I’ve enjoyed with previous FWB’s that I’ve been with.  I almost met up with someone I had been talking to on Tinder, but it fell through at the last minute and I’ve never heard from him again.  I hadn’t tried contacting him either, so I definitely don’t fault him.  I started talking to a couple of guys on OK Cupid, but ended up disabling my account after a couple of weeks as I realized that as much as I enjoy the search, I just wasn’t really into having a FWB, or wasn’t into the work that is involved in finding the right one.  Or, I’m thinking it may have been that I really didn’t know what I want in that.  I know what I don’t want.  I love what our quad has, and the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I’m not wanting just a FWB, but wanting the deeper connection like I have with my other two guys.  I just don’t know if I want that with a third guy or not.  I want to have someone I care about to go out with, hang out with, be with, connect with.  I want to be able to spend the afternoon with him, completely comfortable and carefree, without needing sex (though thoroughly enjoying it).  Or maybe I do know, but am scared to fully admit it…  But I already have that, and I don’t know if I would even think of looking elsewhere if our quad was closer together.  I know I’ve said before that I feel complete when we’re all together.  I think I would just look for opportunities to play with others with our quad if I had that choice.

Both Lexxi and Gun have dates tonight.  I think it’s awesome…but honestly I can’t deny that I’m feeling rather alone right now…

4 thoughts on “WTF have I been up to lately?

  1. lexxiblue says:

    Honey, I don’t think I would be looking much elsewhere either if we were all geographically closer. Like you, I feel most complete and at ease with myself when we are all together.

  2. We did have the same feelings running through us yesterday. Hope you sift through all your emotions and get to the heart of what you want.

    • Krystalla says:

      Thanks hunny, same with you. I’ve known for a long time that me getting exactly what I want is still a ways out, but I’m happy with the way things are now, and just have to deal with the fluctuations as they happen. The drawbacks of long distance relationships.

  3. Everything has changed in over a year. The quad and now myself with fwb. I think the hardest part for me is trying to full fill my fwb but not impact anyone else. Balance act I have failed at miserably this past month.
    In all things are going great and as time moves things will sort itself out. Always has in the past and it will for the future as well.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s