I’ve had a roller coaster few weeks, that have climbed to the highest of highs, and dipped pretty damned low. Some I’ll attribute to PMS, some with coping with distance, and some with having my eyes opened.
It’s been slowly building for months. This partially empty feeling. Really, ever since I was first tied up last summer, I’ve wanted to experience it again. Craved it. Ached for it. I know I’ve written about it before. Timing and circumstances had prohibited that from happening for many, many months.
Over the past month or two, Gun and Lexxi have been actively on the lookout for a fwb to play alone with. I wondered if the partially empty feeling I’ve been getting had to do with missing the NRE (new relationship energy), that accompanies any good new connection. Tinder ended up sucking, had started taking to one potential guy, but that flittered out without any disappointment really. I decided last weekend to sign up on OK Cupid and take a look. Being female, there always seem to be guys who are interested. Say you’re in an open relationship and it’s like they think you’ll fuck anything. Not so with me. So, most of the past few days have been fielding guys. Trying to politely say no to the total write offs, and actually talking to a few. The thing is, I’ve realized that I have no real want or desire to actually meet anyone I’ve talked to. Not on a real potential play capacity. One guy in particular I’ve been talking to is great. Not pushy, is understanding, is good looking too, and very easy to talk to, a really a great guy. So, why the issue? It’s not what I want.
It’s not the NRE I crave like my husband does. I’ve had the experience of playing alone, which is what my girlfriend is wanting. What I want is to explore the kink I’ve been introduced to. I crave it with my being, so much it hurts sometimes.
I was talking to Bob (hubby#2) earlier and he equated it to needing a fix. Basically…yes. He gave me a superb experience a couple of weeks ago. Beyond what I could have really imagined I wanted (and I realized after when he asked me, that yes I could have been pushed further). I want that. I want to be pushed. I want to explore different aspects of it. There’s a rope social this weekend I’d love to go to, but have nobody to go with. I know that I never will alone. Not unless I’d gone before and knew someone there.
I’ve said before how my hubby Gun has tried some of it before, and has realized it’s not for him. I love that he had tried aspects of it, even if he discovered that it’s not for him. That’s the beauty of this lifestyle. That you’re open to letting others help fulfill wishes of your spouse what you personally can’t or won’t. It’s not a detriment to the person. I think it actually shows a lot of love, trust, and respect to allow them to explore that elsewhere. We’ve talked a lot about fetishes at home lately. Gun’s is new blood, the chase, the NRE, and I support that. I want to be tied up, told what to do, possibly made to do things even.
I cannot, and will not, explore any of this with just anyone. I need to fully trust the person, and Gun does as well. At this point there’s only one man I’ve ever trusted as much as I trust Gun, and that’s Bob.
Well, things there aren’t as easy as it may look at first. Distance, timing, health, and circumstances all play into it. Plus sometimes it’s not something that can be planned easily. Spontaneity isn’t something we have a luxury with. I won’t put expectations on any of us during our visits. Even just being together when most of us have been sick is precious (and yes, that has happened lol).
So, that ultimately has me feeling stuck…
Or at least put on hold until the next time the stars align…and while I’m on hold, I will revel in watching my loves each going their own ways, doing their own things, both in the lifestyle and not. This is a never ending journey, and I’m glad I’m on it with my best friends.