The week before I’m due to start my period, my hormones go haywire. I can go from happy, to pissed off, to a sad crying mess in the span of virtually seconds. It’s annoying as hell for me so I can only imagine what those who have to deal with me think.
I have noticed that even when not PMSing, I tend to be more emotional these days. It just hit me why. Walls, or the lack thereof now. You see, I am an only child, and a shy introvert to boot. I’ve always been independent and kept my emotions close to my vest. Not let many people see them. I’ve never been in the popular crowd, but have usually had a close friend or two. Never had much self confidence either. I had built up walls around me, to protect myself.
Even when I got married, the walls thinned, maybe lowered a little, but they didn’t entirely come down.
It was 3 years ago almost to the date, that I had a revelation. I couldn’t keep living the way I was. I was thinking moreso in being inactive and obese, but knew something had to change. It still took me 2 months to really start. Once the weight started coming off, I actually gained some confidence in myself, felt good about myself. That’s when I bit the bullet that brought us to opening our marriage. In doing that, and finally, really communicating with my husband, I started to break through those walls. Many times Gun has asked where this girl has been. My answer is “she’s always been there. She’s the girl I’ve seen inside my head for so many years. I’ve just finally let her out.”
In breaking through these walls, I find it more difficult now to hold my emotions in, or keep them in check for long. When I feel them well up inside, so full I feel that I’ll burst, they tend to spill in the form of tears. Happy tears. Angry tears. Sad tears. Frustrated tears. I think you get the point. The walls still do go up a little at times, but they’re never as thick as they used to be, or quite as high, and there are a few people who hold the key to get inside them quickly.
I can’t go back to the way I was, and honestly I don’t want to. I think for the first time ever, I like me. Sure I’m not perfect, and I still need a kick in the ass every now and then, but I’m truly happy.
And that’s what counts.