My mood has been up and down the past week or two, taking a more downward turn the last couple of days.
Why? Well, PMS is part of it. My emotions can go on a roller coaster ride the week before I start my period. But I know there’s more to it. Some are easier to voice than others. The overwhelming emotion I’ve been feeling is lonliness. Lost. Adrift. I know I have many people that love me, care about me, but everyone is literally or has felt metaphorically far away. Everyone in our quad has kind of been trying their own thing, in regards to the lifestyle, playing alone. I even was looking myself and had been talking to one guy in particular. He was nice, and was attractive but the more I learned about him, the more I saw him as a player and that wasn’t what I was looking for. We had set up a day to meet, but when I got a text from him hemming and hawing, I gave him an out. Overall, I wasn’t upset about it, but it was still a bit of a blow. It added to the lonely feeling that had been floating around.
I’ve written on here about my want to explore the kinky side of myself, and how I know it’s not something my hubby is interested in exploring further himself. I go through spurts, I guess you can call them, when I crave it more than other times. I’ve just been going through one of those spurts (which I guess is why I’ve written about it a few times recently). When I get like this, I can feel myself withdraw slightly because I have no outlet for it, so feeling that slight disconnect from Gun hasn’t helped and has added to that lonely feeling as well. Also, although hearing how Bob has let this side of himself out for the first time in quite a while is exciting, it has me yearning, and hoping desperately that next weekend will actually cooperate with his fibormyalgia. It just hasn’t worked out in so fricken long that I try to think of the worst case scenerio these days. I hate having expectations, as more often than not, they get dashed.
This coming weekend Gun is off with a couple of his high school buddies on Saturday until Sunday. I’m happy for him, as he doesn’t go hang out with friends very often, but it leaves me at home with our boys and the dogs. I had been debating mentioning to my fwb that I was free Saturday afternoon, as our schedules still haven’t allowed us to hook up as of yet. Well, that idea was killed before I could even voice it as he and his wife are going to spend the weekend visiting Bob and Lexxi…which means that any ideas of maybe connecting with them electronically Saturday are out now too. Oh, then I found out today that his wife would have been working Saturday, so he would have been free too. Figures 😛 Anyway, chalk that up too…
We don’t have many close friends, and most that we are close with don’t live near us. So, I guess it’s me and my boys for Saturday night. I want to figure out something fun to do with them, but it needs to be cheap. Any ideas?
Thankfully, today I seem to feel more even keeled than I have the previous couple of days. It’s still not easy, but I’ll get through it.