I don’t know how I’m feeling right now. No, I guess that’s not quite right. I have so many thoughts and emotions whirling around in my head that I don’t know which is dominant.
In no particular order: anxiety, frustration, anticipation, insecurity, friendship, love, despair, apathy…really I could go on. Thanks to me being in the throes of PMS, my emotions are a roller coaster.
Some (most) of all this stems from money, or lack of it. I’ve thought and said many times before that my life is as close to perfect as you really can get…except lack of fundage. That makes it difficult to go out with friends to a restaurant or a club, plan a way overdue vacation, send your husband away with his other wife, buy clothes that make you feel sexy as hell, even just get your damn hair cut. Anyway, we’ll get through it, but will have to really buckle down on frivolous things for the foreseeable future. Especially cuz we so badly need a vacation next winter (we haven’t taken a real vacation since January 2009).
My other loves have been going through their own issues, I’ve so badly wanted to be there for them, more so than I can be by phone over the distance between out houses, that I ache at times.
Gun has been great this weekend for me. Not pushed, but has been right there when I needed him. He knows the ups and downs are hormone based, and we just need to suck it up and wait it out.
My fwb (friend with benefits) and I are still trying to figure out when we can meet up. Tonight was a possibility but was kiboshed when his kids were planning on being home. A lot of my feelings the past few days are over this situation. He asked me back over a month ago if I ever wanted a fwb to keep him in mind. I had been keeping him in mind for months, since we first met back last summer, just never thought it would come to fruition. Last summer we hung out (we being he and his wife, me and Gun, and at times with other friends) in a platonic but flirty way. I got some fun conversation, a few hot looks, hugs and a great ass squeeze. Since he asked me about being fwb’s he’s started talking a lot to my gf Lexxi. Turns out that sometime last fall he delved into a depression and the two of them have been talking about it (since Lexxi is recovering from a bout of depression herself). I think it’s great, talking is important. In with them talking, they’ve discussed being fwb too. The selfish part of me is saying “hey, he asked me first!” I know it’s irrational, but I can’t help feeling that way. Especially since when I talk to him, it seems strained. Not at all like when we talked last summer. I know he’s holding back with me, honestly and I am too, to a degree. The shy girl in me is trying to take over, to protect myself. I can’t deny that the thought has crossed my mind that the next fwb I find won’t know our quad until after we’ve gotten going. He’d know about it, respect it, but kind of want to keep it separate. Again, selfish I know, but it’s there.
The title in this post refers to me feeling so much right now that I’m almost feeling nothing. Feeling like I’m just there…